Memories of a Fallen Soldier
by BTR-aholic
Summary: After BTR broke up Kendall decided to enlist as an infantry marine. But what happens when he isn't coming home? Who did he leave behind? Song lyrics and then the emotion and thoughts behind it. Please read. KOGAN.
1. Haunted

**A/N: My best friend and soulmate was killed in Iraq. I write letters to him a lot, and that is where this story came from. I hope you guys like it. It will be a series of songs and then how Logan is feeling and then some flashbacks. The songs will be posted. And I did sorta get this idea from a similar story, but I hope you all enjoy it**

**Summary: After BTR broke up Kendall decided to enlist as an infantry marine. But what happens when he isn't coming home? Who did he leave behind? Song lyrics and then the emotion and thoughts behind it.**

**Disclaimer: I own none of the songs or BTR!**

**Memories of a Fallen Soldier**

**Chapter 1**

**Haunted-Taylor Swift**

Day 01

Logan sat down at his desk sighing. It amazed him that Taylor Swift seemed to be able to catch his every emotion with one song. He had just received the call from Staff Sergeant. Kendall wasn't coming home from his second tour, his life ended in Baghdad, Iraq when a suicide bomber had detonated the bomb attached to him. The love of his life died at the age of twenty three.

Logan took a deep breath and grabbed a notebook. He quickly scribbled down the lyrics to the song he had just heard on the first page of the notebook.

_You and I walk a fragile line I have known it all this time But I never thought I'd live to see it break It's getting dark and its all too quiet And I can't trust anything now And its comin' over you like its all a big mistake Holding my breathe, won't lose you again Something's made your eyes go cold_

_Come on, come on don't leave me like this I thought I had you figured out Something's gone terribly wrong, your all I wanted Come on, come on don't leave me like this I thought I had you figured out Can't breathe whenever you're gone Can't turn back now, I'm haunted Stood there and watched you walk away From everything we had But I still mean every word I say to you He will try to take away my pain And he just might make me smile But the whole time I'm wishin he was you instead Oh, oh, holding my breath, won't see you again Something keeps me holding on to nothing Come on, come on don't leave me like this I thought I had you figured out Something's gone terribly wrong, your all I wanted Come on, come on don't leave me like this I thought I had you figured out Can't breathe whenever you're gone Can't turn back now, I'm haunted I know, I know, I just know You're not gone, you can't be gone No Come on, come on don't leave me like this I thought I had you figured out Something's gone terribly wrong Won't finish what you started Come on, come on don't leave me like this I thought I had you figured out Can't breathe whenever you're gone can't go back I'm haunted Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh You and I walk a fragile line I have known it all this time Never ever thought I'd see it break Never thought I'd see it_

He paused and read the lyrics before he continued to write. He felt the tears streaming down his face already. Logan couldn't wrap his head around the fact that the man he loved more than life itself was gone.

_Kendall,_

_Why? That seems to be the only question on my mind tonight. We put it off for three whole years. We walked a fragile line. I didn't want to lose you Kendall. I almost lost you the first time. You were shot and almost died in your first tour. I cried, I begged and pleaded for you to stay. You had a choice this time. I poured my heart and soul out to you. I told you that I loved you and wanted to share my life with you. Why wasn't that enough?_

_I told you that without you I would be nothing. You didn't care. WHY? I told you before you left to stay and marry me. I would love the daughter you and Jo had as my own. We could have had our own family. But you chose to leave me. You yelled at me, kissed me and said goodbye then ran out of my car._

Logan stopped writing. He couldn't help but think back to that day four months ago.

Mrs. Knight had just recently passed away due to a long battle of breast cancer. Kendall's Gunnery Sergeant had offered him the chance to stay to care for Katie.

"Kendall…please." Logan had tears pouring from his eyes. "Please don't go. You don't have to go. You almost died last time. I don't think I could handle that. And what about Katie and Hayley? Katie will have lost all her family and Hayley will grow up without a father. Please, I love you so much, please don't go."

Kendall had gotten Jo pregnant before he realized he was gay. Kendall sighed. He had his face in his hands and when he looked up he looked miserable. "Logan, I have to go. It's my duty, its what I'm trained to do." He didn't mean to sound so annoyed but he couldn't help it.

"I love you, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I am nothing without you. I couldn't handle losing you. I don't know what I would do. I don't think I could go on. Kendall, if you stay we can get married like we have been planning. Now that Don't Ask Don't Tell has been passed and your command already knows we can get married. I will love Hayley as my own and we can help Jo raise her. We could have our own little family. Please, Kendall, just stay with me. Please." Logan pleaded. His voice was desperate and he had tears pouring down his.

"LOGAN! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. THIS IS MY JOB, I CAN'T JUST WALK AWAY FROM MY JOB BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT ME TO GO FOR SIX MONTHS!" His face was red and he was out of breath. "I'm sorry Logan, but I'm going. I love you." Kendall grabbed the back of Logan's head and planted a sloppy kiss on his lips and then one on his forehead. "Goodbye, Logie."

Kendall jumped out of the car before Logan could even process what was going on. As soon as Kendall was gone Logan broke down in tears not caring about the odd looks he was getting.

Logan sat staring at the notebook in front of him. He had to finish this note to Kendall.

_You left me crying in my car. You walked away from me. I meant what I told you, did you? I won't see you again. Something keeps me hanging on to nothing now. We never really had our shot, you left three months after we started dating. You took our chance away from me. Kendall, you were always my Knight in shining armor. You protected me. Why did you chose to hurt me? Why did you chose to break me down completely?  
_

_For the first time, I'm angry at you. I feel like you abandoned me. We never really resolved our fight either. We ignored it, neither of us wanting to swallow our pride. _

Logan stopped writing again. He was looking over his desk at a box of letters he had that Kendall he written him. He pulled out the last one Kendall had written him.

"Kendall, you wrote this to me a week ago. I got it yesterday." Logan felt like Kendall could really hear him. He picked up the letter and read. "Dear Logie, I know that you are frustrated that I am here in Iraq when I should be with you. But I assure you that I still want to marry you and start a life with you. I love you so much and nothing is ever going to change that…" Logan stopped and felt more tears coming down his face.

"I want everything you want. A family, a house and marriage. But me being here is letting us save up for a down payment on a house. I'm doing this for us. And in two months we will be reunited and nothing will ever tear us apart. I love you. Kendall."

Logan allowed the sobs to overtake him while he continued to write.

_You told me that you still wanted the same things I did. Marriage, a house, and a family. You lied, you said you would be back in two months. But you're not going to be. _

_Kendall, I know you saw the hurt and pain in my eyes and face that day. How could you just walk away? That is what hurts me the most. You were suppose to love me more than anything else in this world. I would have done anything for you, why couldn't you have stayed here for me?_

_I would do and give anything to talk to you one last time, it does not seem like you can be gone. Regardless of how angry I am at you right now, I still do love you with every fiber of my being._

_I will always love you Kendall Joseph Knight. Forever._

_Forever thine, ever mine._

_Logie Bear. 3_

Logan put down his pen and then closed the notebook. He knew at that point this would be one of many notes to his beloved. He stood up and walked up to bed, not bothering to wipe the tears from his eyes.

**End Chapter**

**A/N: So I personally really like the style I used to write this. I think it makes the story flow well and make sense. Let me know what you guys think.**

**Read and Review**


	2. Just A Dream

**A/N: I got some positive feedback on this story. But I know its sad, but it is still good to me. I hope it is for you too.**

**Disclaimer: I own neither the Songs I use or BTR sadly =(**

**Chapter 2**

**Just a Dream-Carrie Underwood**

Day 06

Logan had just gotten home from the service they had for Kendall. He put down the belongings in his hand and went straight to his office. He sat down at his desk. All he had wanted to do during the service was write a letter to Kendall and now that he was home. He was going to write him.

Logan flipped to the next open page in the notebook. He sighed from the song he had heard on the radio on his way to the funeral. It just had to be a song about losing your significant other in a war. He picked up a blue pen and started scribbling down the lyrics.

_It was two weeks after the day she turned eighteen  
__All dressed in white  
__Going to the church that night  
__She had his box of letters in the passenger seat  
__Sixpence in a shoe, something borrowed, something blue  
__And when the church doors opened up wide  
__She put her veil down  
__Trying to hide the tears  
__Oh she just couldn't believe it  
__She heard trumpets from the military band  
__And the flowers fell out of her hand_

_Baby why'd you leave me  
__Why'd you have to go?  
__I was counting on forever, now I'll never know  
__I can't even breathe  
__It's like I'm looking from a distance  
__Standing in the background  
__Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now  
__This can't be happening to me  
__This is just a dream_

_The preacher man said let us bow our heads and pray  
__Lord please lift his soul, and heal this hurt  
__Then the congregation all stood up and sang the saddest song that she ever heard  
__Then they handed her a folded up flag  
__And she held on to all she had left of him  
__Oh, and what could have been  
__And then the guns rang one last shot  
__And it felt like a bullet in her heart_

_Baby why'd you leave me  
__Why'd you have to go?  
__I was counting on forever, now I'll never know  
__I can't even breathe  
__It's like I'm looking from a distance  
__Standing in the background  
__Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now  
__This can't be happening to me  
__This is just a dream_

_Oh,  
__Baby why'd you leave me  
__Why'd you have to go?  
__I was counting on forever, now I'll never know  
__Oh, now I'll never know  
__It's like I'm looking from a distance  
__Standing in the background  
__Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now  
__This can't be happening to me  
__This is just a dream_

_Oh, this is just a dream  
__Just a dream  
__Yeah, Yeah_

Logan took a deep breath as he finished writing out the lyrics. He stopped and thought for a few seconds. He closed his eyes and saw Kendall's smiling face. Logan smiled sadly to himself. It hurt that he was never going to see it again. He continued scribbling down on his piece of paper.

_Kendall,_

_I keep wanting to think that this is just some terrible dream. James and Carlos came by yesterday and I couldn't help but cry to them. James took emergency leave to come back here for your funeral. We are all hurting, and I know it might be selfish to say, but I think I am hurting the most. You were what helped me go on. Knowing that we would be reunited is what kept me going on. Now what am I suppose to do?_

_Today was your service, Kendall. James, Carlos, Katie and I sat up front. There were locals there protesting the war and they had signs that said "God hates Fags" It broke my hurt to see that at your funeral and it took everything out of me to not go up and give them a piece of my mind. We were always taught that God hates no one, he loves all his children. He doesn't hate anyone._

_I would like to think that's true. I would like to believe there is a God but I'm finding it hard. I was planning a life with you. I was planning to be with you forever. I thought back to that day we first started dating. Even then we knew we wanted to spend our lives together._

Seven months ago Kendall and Logan were sitting in a recliner. Logan on Kendall's lap, with Kendall kissing on Logan's neck. "Kendall, we haven't even been dating for ten minutes and you're already trying to sex me up?" Logan asked in a pathetic sounding voice.

Kendall chuckled to himself. "Logie, we've been into each other for over three years. We might as well have been dating the entire time." Logan smiled to himself. He was glad that he was finally official with the person he cared about most. "When I come back from Iraq, I want to marry you. I want to have a family with you. Because, you are all that matters to me Logan."

Logan wrapped his arms around Kendall at this point. "I want those same things. You are all I will ever need in my life. I love you, Kendall. I always have. We just need to make it through the next nine months and then we can be together forever." Logan said sweetly. He planted a gentle kiss on Kendall's cheek.

"After my tour, I promise we will start our lives. We will be together forever." Kendall said sweetly.

Logan sat at his desk now, looking at the notebook. The memory almost haunting him.

_I thought that we were a forever kind of couple. I thought that we would grow old together and see our grandchildren grow up. Now all I will have is memories and what might have been. Everyone keeps telling me that I have to move on. They tell me you would want me to. But I don't believe that, you were so jealous, there is no way you would want to see someone else with your Logie, right?_

Logan sighed. He wanted to believe that Kendall would have wanted him to cling to his memory, not forget it. He looked back down at the notebook.

_Today was your funeral. There were so many people there to pay their respects to Deluth's fallen hero. I didn't even know a quarter of the people that were there. But it made me proud knowing that my boyfriend died a hero. You gave your life to help me and everyone else who was there. I just wish you didn't have to give your life for such a stupid cause as Operation Iraqi Freedom. They don't want us there, if they did you wouldn't be gone right now._

_Sorry, I'm getting of topic, your funeral was beautiful. I guess it was like any other military funeral, but I can't be sure because I had never been to one before yours. You're old Gunny spoke about how fearless you were, that you were a natural born leader. But then again anyone who knew you for two seconds could have told you that._

Logan thought back to when they were wrapping up the ceremony. He sighed as he thought back to the funeral service.

Everyone had just finished saying a prayer. Logan heard the congregation start playing a slow song that made him want to beat his head against the coffin to drown out the sorrow the song was causing him.

"Ready, fire!" He heard. The seven soldier all in harmony aimed their guns at an angle and shot. "Ready, fire." Another shot was fired. "Ready, fire!"

Logan felt like someone had stabbed him in the chest. This was the last tribute Kendall would ever have and that made him extremely sad. Two soldier were now starting to fold the flag that would be presented to Katie for her brothers death.

They were starting to tuck the flap in when Logan saw Katie bolt from her seat and through the crowd. He then saw James stand up to go after her. The soldier looked at the person who had been sitting next to Katie and it was none other than Logan.

The soldier knelt down in front of Logan. He handed the flag out to him. Logan couldn't contain himself anymore, he had tears flowing down his face. "On behalf of the President of the United States, the Commandant of the Marine Corps, and a grateful nation, please accept this flag as a symbol of our appreciation for your loved one's service to Country and Corps."

Logan reached out his arms and grabbed the flag that his love had died for. He allowed the choking sobs to escape his mouth and felt a hand on his shoulder trying to comfort him. Logan clutched the flag close to his chest trying to pull himself together.

_The part about handing her the flag and holding on to all she had left of him and what could have been…it captured exactly how I am feeling. Katie booked it, she couldn't handle getting the flag. She doesn't want it. I was there they presented your flag to me. I couldn't help but think about why I was holding it and it killed me Kendall. A life without you isn't a life at all. _

_I love you so much. This can't be real. It can't be, you're going to come home in two months and I will find out this was all a prank. A mean, and nasty prank. Kendall, please let it be a prank._

_I love you so much._

_Always,_

_Logie Bear_

Logan sat down his pen and made his way out of his office. When he got out he saw the folded up flag on the table next to the door. He sighed, he picked it up and carried the flag with him to the room. He laid in bed and held onto it for dear life while he just cried.

**End Chapter**

**A/N: I know that this is really depressing, but I know from personal experience it took me months to even smile a real smile again. This story will probably be a long one. It will show Logan slowly healing from his lost. It will be through songs though of course. I would love some feedback**

**Read and Review Please!**


	3. Ghost of You

**A/N: So I feel like this story is my favorite because it is so close to my heart. I hope you all enjoy it.**

**Chapter 3**

**Ghost of You-My Chemical Romance**

Day 24

Logan was driving in his car, listening to a song he never thought would really remind him of Kendall. But when he thought about the video to it, it was no surprise that it really did make him think of the tall blond. He sighed as he pulled into his driveway.

It had been an unusually long day at work. It was his first day back and he hadn't even wanted to go but his vacation was up and if he didn't go in he would risk being fired. Being a nurse wasn't his dream, but for now it would have to suffice.

As soon as Logan walked into his house he made his way back to his office. He started jotting down the lyrics to the song he had heard in the car.

_I never said I'd lie and wait forever  
__If I died, we'd be together  
__I can't always just forget her  
__But she could try_

_At the end of the world  
__Or the last thing I see  
__You are  
__Never coming home  
__Never coming home  
__Could I? Should I?  
__And all the things that you never ever told me  
__And all the smiles that are ever ever...  
__Ever..._

_Get the feeling that you're never  
__All alone and I remember now  
__At the top of my lungs in my arms she dies  
__She dies_

_At the end of the world  
__Or the last thing I see  
__You are  
__Never coming home  
__Never coming home  
__Could I? Should I?  
__And all the things that you never ever told me  
__And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me_

_Never coming home  
__Never coming home  
__Could I? Should I?  
__And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me  
__For all the ghosts that are never gonna catch me_

_If I fall  
__If I fall (down)_

_At the end of the world  
__Or the last thing I see  
__You are  
__Never coming home  
__Never coming home  
__Never coming home  
__Never coming home_

_And all the things that you never ever told me  
__And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me  
__Never coming home  
__Never coming home  
__Could I? Should I?  
__And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me  
__For all the ghosts that are never gonna..._

Logan sighed after he reread the lyrics. Maybe this song didn't pertain to Kendall, but when he heard it he thought of him and wanted to write him, so he would. He started scribbling anxiously on the pad of paper.

_Kendall,_

_Before I get to the song, let me tell you about my day. I went back to work today, it was hell. I swear when I help every patient I swear I see you. There was a young guy who came in today he had to be no more than fifteen and he reminded me so much of you. _

_He broke his arm, and it made me laugh because of how he did it. He did it by trying to jump a fence and as much as I tried not to, I couldn't help but laugh._

Logan couldn't help but reflect on the incident that had happened over nine years ago. All four of the guys were fifteen, it was the summer before Gustavo had found them and taken them to Los Angeles.

"Guys, we can't just jump a fence and go jump on someone's trampoline." Logan tried to reason with his three friends.

"Why not, their kids are gone. It's not like they are using it." Carlos said while still looking over the fence.

"Because it's called trespassing and we could get arrested. And besides you and Kendall don't need anymore trouble." Logan said insistently.

"Wait are you referring to our mooning incident, because Duluth East totally had it coming." Carlos said defensively. Logan shook his head at them.

"Look, they won't be home until after five, it's only three. We have two hours, we can just jump the fence and then be out by four." Kendall reasoned.

"Yeah, besides the springs on that trampoline are just screaming "jump on me!" to us." James said with an excited look on his face.

"Okay, an hour and then we leave." Kendall said, the other two nodded and jumped the fence. Once they were on the other side they looked at Logan waiting for him to join.

Logan sighed. "I gotta get new friends." He said while jumping over.

The boys jumped on a trampoline and did back flip after back flip. "Hey you kids! I'm gonna call the police." The old man who owned the home had returned earlier than expected. He was shaking his fist at the four boys who were bouncing around.

They all looked at each other and then ran towards the fence. Logan and James went over first. But when Carlos was jumping off he threw Kendall off balance. He landed wrong on his arm and broke it. Mrs. Knight hadn't even punished him. She said that a broken arm was punishment enough.

I couldn't help but laugh at all the schemes Kendall had made up in his head. I turned back to the paper in front of me.

_As many times as I said I needed to, I'm glad that I never got new friends. I'm thankful I stuck with you three. But enough about my day._

_I feel like I'm stuck waiting on you forever. The only way to be reunited is through death, and I don't have any plans to kill myself. My father had always told me that suicide is for cowards, people who couldn't face what was bothering him. And as much as I love you, I am far from a coward. _

_I can't forget you, Kendall. I drink myself stupid almost every night trying to wash away you're memories They are driving me crazy, we had so many good memories and I know I should be happy about that, but I can't be. I can't be because I know that there will be no more good memories to come and that is killing me. _

_I can't forget about you, no matter how hard I try. I can't move on. If I do start to forget, even if its only for a few minutes, then I feel bad. I feel like it would mean that I never loved you if I move on. You're never coming home to me. Never. And I can't wrap my head around that.. _

Logan stopped writing and put down his pen, the truth of his words finally hitting him. He would never see his love again. He would never hold him, or kiss him again. Logan stood up and walked to the kitchen. He looked at the counter, a smile creeped onto his face.

He thought back to two weeks before Kendall had left for his second tour. Hayley had been running around the counter, playing tag with her imaginary friend. Hayley had been two at that point. She ran up to Kendall. "Daddy, Emma Jeanne won't play with me anymore." She said sadly in Kendall's chest.

Logan caught the smirk on Kendall's face while his little girl held onto him. Hayley had Kendall's green eyes and natural dirty blond hair. But her face was structured like Jo's. "Aww, I bet daddy can get Logan to play tag with you." Kendall smirked at Logan with a grin on his face.

Logan ran up to Hayley. "Tag, you're it!" Hayley chased him around giggling and after a few minutes Logan picked her up, laid her on the ground and started tickling her.

She laughed and squirmed under his touch. "No!" She laughed. "Stop it!" Logan continued tickling her and Kendall came up to help him. After about three minutes, they all three sat up gasping for breath.

Hayley walked up to Logan and wrapped her arms around him. "Thank you for playing tag with me daddy numba two!" Logan gave Kendall a surprised look, but all Kendall did was smile. Logan could feel the tears welling in his eyes.

"You're welcome, sweetheart." Logan said softly while patting her head.

Logan pulled himself onto the counter. He hadn't seen Hayley since the funeral service. It had been almost three weeks. But then again, Jo had mentioned that Hayley wouldn't let the blond out of her sight. Logan walked back to his desk.

_Hayley will never know he dad. She will never know how great of a guy you were. I just thought about when she called me daddy number two for the first time. I wonder if she will still feel the same way. I haven't seen her in almost three weeks, I will have to call Jo tomorrow so I can change that._

_Kendall, every time I close my eyes, if even for a second, I see your smiling face. I even swear that I have seen you around the house, but when I go to touch you or even wrap my arms around you, you're gone. Are you trying to help? If so it isn't helping, its only making it worse. But then again, maybe it's all in my head and I am just going crazy._

_I wish so desperately I could talk to you again. I would give my manhood to have one last conversation with you. And a guy saying that, shows how desperate he really is. I want to feel your arms around me again. I cry over you so much. _

_I talked to James today on my way home. He told me that having served one tour in Iraq, he understood completely why you went back there. He said that the fulfillment you get from being there isn't comparable to anything else. I guess that means our love, too. I guess I understand why you went, but it still hurts…a lot._

_I didn't mean enough to you to stay here. And for that I am still angry at you. But at least I understand now, maybe one day that anger will change but for now it's still there. I miss you more than anything in this world. _

_Until next time I remain yours,_

_Logie Bear_

Logan sighed. He closed the notebook. He felt bad that in over three weeks he had only written him three times. But then he realized that the notes were his way of expressing his emotions when he had too many built up.

He walked up to his bedroom, knowing already that it was going to be another night of silently crying himself to sleep. He couldn't help but wonder if things would ever get easier.

**End Chapter**

**A/N: I'm trying not to make it all depressing, like with the story with when the jumped the fence. I remember doing that with my friends and I thought it might give a little bit of a fun point for ****the story. I hope you are all enjoying this. **

**Read and Review please!**


	4. Heaven Was Needing A Hero

**A/N: Here is the next chapter. Some reviews would be awesome!**

**Chapter 4**

**Heaven Was Needing A Hero- Jo Dee Messina**

Day 33

Logan was finally at the military cemetery. He put his car in park and walked to the familiar gravestone he had come to know so well. He read the cold stone. _Here lies LCPL Kendall Joseph Knight. _Logan frowned at the sight in front of him. He sat down in front of it and pulled out the notebook he had with him. He took the pen out of the spiral part and flipped open to the first open page he saw. He started writing, trying to hold back the tears that were close to falling.

_I came by today to see you  
__Oh I had to let you know  
__If I knew the last time that I held you was the last time  
__I'd have held you and never let go  
__Oh it's kept me awake nights, wondering  
__I lie in the dark, just asking why  
__I've always been told  
__you won't be called home  
__till it's your time_

_I guess heaven was needing a hero  
__Somebody just like you  
__Brave enough to stand up for what you believe  
__and follow it through  
__When I try to make it make sense in my mind  
__The only conclusion I come to  
__is heaven was needing a hero like you_

_I remember the last time I saw you  
__You held your head up proud  
__I laughed inside when I saw  
__how you were standing out in the crowd  
__Your such a part of who I am  
__Now that part will just be void  
__No matter how much I need you now  
__Heaven needed you more_

_Cus heaven was needing a hero  
__Somebody just like you  
__Brave enough to stand up for what you believe  
__and follow it through  
__When I try to make it make sense in my mind  
__The only conclusion I come to  
__is heaven was needing a hero like you_

_Cus heaven was needing a hero  
__thats you_

Logan couldn't help but let the tears fall down. Whenever he thought about this song, he couldn't stop thinking about Kendall for hours. He quickly wiped his eyes before he continued writing.

_Dear Kendall,_

_I haven't talked to you in a while. I saw Hayley and Jo today for the first time since your funeral. Jo seems to be taking it well. She cared about you, but her feelings for you died long ago, so I guess that is making it easier on her. She is just heartbroken that Hayley will never know you. She was very sweet today and it amazes me that Hayley can say the saddest thing and not even understand the meaning behind it._

Logan stopped writing. Thinking about his visit with Jo and Hayley made him want to roll over and die. He thought back to just a few hours earlier.

He knocked on the door. Jo answered with Hayley in hand. "Daddy numba two!" She screamed while reaching her arms out for Logan to hold her. Logan smiled and took her into his arms. He looked at her and when he met her eyes, he felt like he was going to lose it. They were Kendall's eyes. He handed Hayley back to Jo.

"Daddy will be right back." He ran into the bathroom and closed the door and allowed the sobs to overtake him. He sat in the bathroom for several minutes before he splashed some cool water on his face and stepped back out. Jo was outside the bathroom. "Oh, I'm sorry about that."

She gave Logan and encouraging smile. "It's okay. I figured that seeing his eyes on her would make you upset. I knew that this visit would be a sad one." She walked up to Logan and wrapped her arms around him. "She's missed you so much. She asks when she can go see you all the time. I didn't want to rush you though, Logan."

Logan gave her a gentle smile. "Thank you. I needed time." She nodded. They both walked back out to the living room where Hayley was quietly playing with a toy tea set.

"Daddy numba two! Tea party, tea party!" She shrieked at Logan.

He gave a small chuckle before he sat down next to her and took a tea cup from the table. Logan watched as Hayley poured him a glass of fake tea and then reached her own tea cup to take a sip. He followed her, feeling silly but knew that she really wanted him to play with her. He hadn't been expecting her to come up and wrap her arms around his neck.

He pulled her onto his lap. "What's wrong sweetheart?" He asked soothingly.

She looked at him. "My daddy died." She said. She didn't seem to quite grasp what that really meant. She hugged his neck again. Logan let the sobs take him over. Hayley rubbed his back like Kendall had used to do when she was upset. "It's okay daddy. That means you can be daddy number one. And mommy said that Daddy is watching over all of us."

He finally was able to control his sobs. He wiped his eyes and kissed Hayley on the forehead. "Mommy is right. You're daddy will always be watching you. He loved you very much." Logan said looking at her.

"Well, I love you!" She said and hugged him again.

"I love you too honey."

He put her down by her tea set. Jo walked him to the door. "I'm so sorry, Logan. If you need anything I am here. And you can see Hayley whenever you would like." Logan nodded and went to his car.

_When I left Jo's I knew I had to come here and see you. I don't want to be her daddy number one. I'm suppose to be number two. You were suppose to be here Kendall. We were suppose to be a family._

Logan sighed. He didn't want this letter to be him bitching at Kendall again. He thought for a second before he started writing again.

_This song seems to be exactly how I feel everyday. I try to make sense of why you were taken from me. I don't understand it, so me thinking that heaven needed a new hero seems to be the only logic, right? Why else would a twenty four year old be taken from all of us?_

_I need you so bad right now. I want to tell you how I feel and cry into your shoulder. I want so bad to talk to you. This song seems to help me the most. It leads me to a much needed answer of the one question I can't get off my mind. Why. I guess God figured that you could do more good up there. I'm sure your watching over Katie, James, Carlos, Jo, Hayley and myself and here on this earth you couldn't do that._

_While I'm angry and frustrated, I can't help but feel happiness for you. I'm sure that you are happy to be with your mother and father again. I know how hard it was on you when they passed, especially your dad. _

Logan stopped writing again. Finally realizing how hard it really had been on Kendall when he lost his dad.

It had been when they were sixteen, right after the trampoline incident. Kendall and Logan were sitting on the couch playing video games, waiting on Carlos and James to show up so they could go to the skating rink to practice for their upcoming season.

The doorbell rang and Mrs. Knight answered the door. Neither of the boys had paid attention to who was at the door, they figured it was one of the neighbors.

"NO!" They heard Mrs. Knight yell. By the time Kendall and Logan were by her side, Mrs. Knight was on the floor crying hysterically.

"Mom, what happened?" Kendall asked in a worried tone. She didn't respond. "What happened?" He asked the two cops standing at the door. Logan had a sick feeling in his stomach. He knew it had something to do with Mr. Knight.

"I'm sorry son, but your father was killed in a head on collision. I'm so sorry for your loss." The cop said with no shred of sympathy in his face. It angered Logan that the cop had no sympathy what so ever for his friend. Kendall hugged his mother letting his sobs out.

Logan spent the day hugging Kendall and letting him cry in his chest. Kendall didn't say a single word to Logan for almost four hours. He just cried, and Logan did his best to soothe him by rubbing his back and wiping his tears away. That was the first time Logan realized he cared about Kendall as more then just a friend.

Logan shook the memory out of his head and then turned his attention back to the note he was currently working on.

_But while I'm happy, the bitter and selfish side of me kicks in and is upset that you aren't here with everyone. Katie misses you like crazy. She calls James almost everyday to talk to him about what is going on. She turns eighteen in ten days and doesn't even want to do anything for her birthday. _

_James said that she misses you and your parents. That her life sucks without her family. I know that we are like her family, but we aren't actual family. James also said that she will cry herself to sleep every night. He is thinking about asking her to come live with him down in South Carolina. He thinks it will be good for her to get away from, if you couldn't have stayed here for me, you should have stayed for Katie and Hayley. _

_The part in the song above says, "You're such a part of who I am, now that part will just be void." That is how I feel. My heart and soul feel like its been ripped in half. You were the half that completed me and I'm not sure if that half will ever be even partially filled again._

_I feel so empty without you. Somedays I go to call you about something that I saw or something I did, only to realize that you won't answer. Then the thought and realization makes me want to die. I still don't fully understand why you were taken away from me, from everyone. But I have to believe that it was for a good reason, because if it wasn't for a good reason then what was the point?_

_And if you weren't taken for a good reason, I don't think I could handle that. _

_I less than three you. _

_Always,_

_Logie Bear_

Logan chuckled. His mind wandered back to when they first started dating. Kendall and him were sitting on the sofa watching some sappy love movie. Kendall was staring at Logan in a very awkward manner. "What babe?" Logan finally asked.

"I less than three you." He said with a smirk on his face.

Logan had a moment of stupidity. "What?"

Kendall laughed. "Come on Mr. Math Nerd. Less than three."

Logan blushed deeply. He should have caught that. "I love you too, Kendall."

Logan smiled to himself before he pulled the notebook back out and added.

_P.S- I still feel like an idiot for not knowing what less than three meant as soon as you said it._

Logan walked back to the car, feeling that maybe for the first time, he could make it home without crying the whole way.

**End Chapter**

**A/N: I hope that this story has someone's attention. I will update soon.**

**Read and Review!**


	5. Who You'd Be Today

**A/N: Well I want to try and put some humor in this to lighten the mood of the story. Some chapters will just be depressing others will be somewhat funny. Enjoy.  
And I might not update all that much for a while. My 2 month old son died yesterday so I'm not sure. **

**Chapter 5**

**Who You'd Be Today-Kenny Chesney**

Day 48

Logan was walking back in to his house after a day at the park. When he walked in he grabbed a beer and sat down and sipped it on the couch. He looked outside and saw that the sun was still shining, it was a gorgeous day but he couldn't help but feel down. He stood up and made his way to his office. He thought about the song he had heard earlier in the car and started writing down the lyrics.

_Sunny days seem to hurt the most.  
__I wear the pain like a heavy coat.  
__I feel you everywhere I go.  
__I see your smile, I see your face,  
__I hear you laughin' in the rain.  
__I still can't believe you're gone._

_It ain't fair: you died too young,  
__Like the story that had just begun,  
__But death tore the pages all away.  
__God knows how I miss you,  
__All the hell that I've been through,  
__Just knowin' no-one could take your place.  
__An' sometimes I wonder,  
__Who'd you be today?_

_Would you see the world? Would you chase your dreams?  
__Settle down with a family,  
__I wonder what would you name your babies?  
__Some days the sky's so blue,  
__I feel like I can talk to you,  
__An' I know it might sound crazy._

_It ain't fair: you died too young,  
__Like the story that had just begun,  
__But death tore the pages all away.  
__God knows how I miss you,  
__All the hell that I've been through,  
__Just knowin' no-one could take your place.  
__An' sometimes I wonder,  
__Who you'd be today?_

_Today, today, today.  
__Today, today, today._

_Sunny days seem to hurt the most.  
__I wear the pain like a heavy coat.  
__The only thing that gives me hope,  
__Is I know I'll see you again some day._

_Some day, some day, some day. _

_Dear Kendall, _

_The weather is really nice today. It's really sunny out and its the perfect temperature. Its in the seventies today. These were the days we use to live for. But these are the days that now hurt me so much. On days like these we would go outside and play roller hockey or basketball. We would even sometimes go to the park. So that is where I went today._

Logan had gone to the park hoping that maybe it would make him feel better. He took a book to read so that he would have something to do. He put down a blanket when he got there and laid down on it. He opened his book and started reading. He could have sworn he felt someone sitting next to him, but when he looked over he didn't see anyone.

He sighed and put his book down. He could still feel Kendall around him and while it comforted him, it also hurt him too. "It's nice knowing that you are still here. I remember the last time we were at this park. We played basketball over there." He said while pointing to the basketball hoops that were to his left.

He smiled to himself. "I still remember all the glares we got when we laid down underneath that tree and were kissing. I remember that one lady complaining that this is a family place and two homo's shouldn't display their affection for each other because it would rise questions in the little kids." Logan laughed to himself. "I still can't believe you told that lady to fuck off."

Logan laid down and turned to his right expecting to feel the warm and toned chest he would have normally felt, but when he felt his hands hit the ground he realized that he was just talking to himself.

He no longer wanted to be at the park so he packed up all his things and left just as quickly as he had came.

_I went to the park today and I felt like you were laying right next to me. I swear I felt you with me. I even started talking to you because I really thought you were there. But of course, you weren't. I think I'm going crazy babe. I think i'm losing it. _

_Whenever I close my eyes you are the only thing I see. Aren't things suppose to get easier? I thought they were, but with each day it seems like they only get worse and worse. You aren't here with me and when I think about that it hurts so much._

_Carlos came over yesterday, he gave me the note you wrote me. _

Logan stopped writing and pulled out the note Carlos had given to him the day before. He thought back to when Carlos had stopped by.

"Hey Logan, can I come in? I know I came over unannounced but I just wanted to see you." He said nervously.

"It's okay Carlos, you don't need an excuse, you are welcome to come over whenever you like." Logan ushered him in and then followed him into the living room.

Carlos sat there with a nervous look on his face. "So how are you doing? We are all really worried about you."

Logan sighed softly. "I'm doing about as good as I can be. I just wish that I could talk to him again. I think that is all I need." He admitted with a sad voice.

"What if I said I have a note for you from Kendall?" Carlos asked with a smile on his face.

Logan's eyes lit up but then went back to the sad and broken look they had since he found out about Kendall. "I would think you were just trying to make me feel better." He finally said.

Carlos reached in his back pocket and pulled out a white envelope. "Kendall sent me this just in case." He said with a sad tone.

Logan frowned. Kendall had always promised him that he would come home to him, that he didn't have a doubt about it. But this note proved that Kendall had been worried about not coming home. Carlos handed him the note and Logan opened it slowly.

Logan could tell that Carlos was extremely curious to know what it said in it. Logan looked at him and then started reading it outloud. "My dearest Logie, if your reading this that means that I'm not coming home to you. And for that I am so sorry. I sent this to Carlos in case this happened, I've been here for three weeks and we had our first combat zone yesterday. We lost three and it made me realize how much more danger I am in, here.

"All I seem to think about is you. I love you with all my heart. I always will love you. But remember that I need you to be strong." Logan stopped reading and let the crying take him over. He felt Carlos hugging him and trying to soothe him. It took almost twenty minutes for him to pull himself back together. He handed Carlos the note so he could continue reading it.

"You need to be strong for everyone else, especially Katie and Hayley. You need to step in and be the big brother Katie no longer has and the father Hayley will never know." Logan felt the crying get worse, but kept listening as Carlos read. "I know that it isn't fair to you but you are the only person I can trust with this task.

"Please don't be mad at me for coming here, it was my job as a soldier. I signed up for this and I couldn't have lived with myself if I had stayed knowing that all my friends were over here doing what I wouldn't of had the courage to do. Your offer to stay was so tempting that was why I bolted out of the car. I knew that if I stayed there any longer you would have convinced me to stay and I couldn't have that.

"Don't think I ran because I didn't love you because I do. I love you more than life itself. You mean the world to me and you always will. And just know Logie, that I will be watching over you and guiding you to where you need to go. I love you forever, Kendall."

Logan grabbed the note and stared at Kendall's writing for several minutes while Carlos held him close trying to calm him down.

_That note made me feel like you were still here. I can't believe that you are gone. Believing it makes it real, if that even makes sense. I am happy to know that you didn't run because you were annoyed but it was because if you stayed any longer you would have given in to me. And now I understand why you went. I didn't before but I do now._

_No one can make me smile like you did. Carlos can get a chuckle out of me here and there but I haven't really laughed since the last time I talked to you._

Kendall had called Logan right before he went out to the battle zone it was a week after he had left. Logan had still been a little sore at Kendall for going.

"Hello?" Logan asked annoyed.

"Is that anyway to greet the love of your life?" Kendall asked in a mocked hurt tone.

Logan's anger had melted as soon as he heard Kendall's voice. "I'm sorry it's just been a rough day at work." Logan said in an apologetic voice.

"I know what will make you feel better." Kendall said in a seductive voice.

"Really and what is that." Logan asked curiously.

Kendall chuckled before he answered. "What are you wearing Logie Bear?" He asked in the most seductive voice Logan had ever heard. He heard several guys cheering Kendall on in the background.

Logan couldn't stop laughing for almost two minutes. "We are not having phone sex. I can hear everyone else in the back ground."

"What's up boy!" He heard a familiar voice say. It was Kendall's roommate when he was at Camp Pendleton. It was Jay.

Logan laughed again. "Hey Jay."

"What's up? What are you wearing?" He asked in a playful voice, he sounded like a guido trying to pick up a girl.

"Give me that!" Logan heard Kendall say in an annoyed tone. "Hello?"

"You were right, I do feel better."

"I'm glad, but Jay needs to use the phone. I just wanted to call and tell you I love you before we ship out." Kendall said in a sad tone.

"I love you too, make sure you write when you can." Logan answered instantly.

"You know I will. Bye Logie."

"Bye baby."

Even when writing a depressing note, Logan couldn't help but laugh at the memory.

_I still remember that last call by the way. Jay trying to steal your man. I just wish I could laugh the way I did that day. James called me yesterday and told me that everything happens for a reason and I just need to have faith. But I've been slowly losing my faith. I don't see any reason why you had to be taken away from me. You were only twenty four, you had your whole life ahead of you. But God decided that you weren't going to live it._

_I can't sleep anymore. You're memory is literally haunting me. I miss you so much babe. Please, please visit me in my dreams tonight. I really need it._

_Forever yours,_

_Logie Bear_

Logan closed the note book and grabbed the letter from Kendall and walked back up to his room. He read the note over and over again until finally he was asleep.

**A/N: Well I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. Let me know what you think.**

**Read and Review.**


	6. Probably Wouldn't Be This Way

**A/N: Well here is the next chapter. I am really liking this story so far. I hope you guys are too.**

**Chapter 6**

**Probably Wouldn't Be This Way-Leann Rimes**

Day 67

What did I just agree to? Logan thought to himself. He was sitting in front of Kendall's headstone staring at the blank piece of paper in front of him. He already knew what song was describing his emotions so he jotted down the lyrics.

_Got a date a week from Friday with the preacher's son  
__Everybody says he's crazy  
__I'll have to see_

_I finally moved to Jackson when the summer came  
__I won't have to pay that boy to rake my leaves  
__I'm probably going on and on  
__It seems I'm doing more of that these days_

_I probably wouldn't be this way  
__I probably wouldn't hurt so bad  
__I never pictured every minute without you in it  
__Oh You left so fast  
__Sometimes I see you standing there  
__Sometimes it's like I'm losing touch  
__Sometimes I feel that I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much  
__God gave me a moment's grace  
__'Cause if I'd never seen your face  
__I probably wouldn't be this way_

_Mama says that I just shouldn't speak to you  
__Susan says that I should just move on  
__You oughta see the way these people look at me  
__When they see me 'round here talking to this stone_

_Everybody thinks I've lost my mind  
__But I just take it day by day_

_I probably wouldn't be this way  
__I probably wouldn't hurt so bad  
__I never pictured every minute without you in it  
__Oh You left so fast  
__Sometimes I see you standing there  
__Sometimes I feel an angel's touch  
__Sometimes I feel that I'm so lucky to have had the chance to love this much  
__God gave me a moment's grace  
__'Cause if I'd never seen your face  
__I probably wouldn't be this way_

_Probably wouldn't be this way_

_Got A Date a week from Friday with the preacher's son  
__Everybody says I'm crazy  
__Guess I'll have to see_

_Kendall,_

_Carlos just came by to see me and I feel guilty for what I have just agreed to. I feel like I am betraying you even though you have been gone for two months. But is it really that way?_

The short latino had stopped by Logan's house again unannounced and had a wide grin on his face when Logan opened the door.

"Logan, I want you to promise me that you will say yes to what I am about to say." He said with a huge smile.

"Carlos, I've learned not to do that. It's going to depend on what it is." Logan said with a sigh.

Carlos hesitated for a second before he started talking. "Look, its been two months and I think you should go out with someone. I know a guy who is very interested in you."

Logan gave him a confused and stupid look. "Carlos, it's only been two months. I'm not ready to move on."

Carlos gave him a disappointed look. "Kendall wouldn't have wanted you to be miserable, you don't even have to call it a date. Just a little get together with you and a guy I know."

"Carlos that is a date." Logan said getting frustrated with his friend. He didn't want to even begin to think about moving on.

"Come on dude, it will be good for you to get out. You never leave unless its to go to work and we are all worried. Look I promise if you do this for me, I won't bug you about moving on anymore but at least try. Besides I already told Alex you would go out with him." Carlos said with a nervous look on his face. "And if you don't go Alex will be so mad at me and then I will be miserable."

Logan sighed. He didn't really want to go out with this guy but he didn't want to disappoint Carlos either. He groaned. "When?"

Carlos smiled. "Well Alex will pick you up a week from this Friday to go out. I told him to be here at seven."

"I'll go, but I'm telling you right now I will not go on any other dates with this guy." Logan said with a defeated look on his face.

Carlos couldn't help but grin. "Alright, one date is all I'm asking for anyways."

Carlos left right after that agreeing to meet Logan at Kendall's grave in two hours after picking up James from the airport.

_I don't know why I agreed but I couldn't stand to disappoint Carlos. I hate disappointing people, you know that better then anyone. But it seems like my life has become some what of a routine now. I get up, shower, eat, go to work, go to the cemetary, come home, eat again, watch tv then go to sleep and some nights, like tonight, I write you. _

_The hospital is getting better. Dr. Worthen is recommending me for med school, which I guess is exciting but I won't start that for almost six months. I think it is time I finally pursue my dream of being a doctor now that I finished school this last fall. I am ready to start helping people. _

_I'm getting off topic however, after I agreed to go on this date this song popped into my head. It seems to describe exactly how I am feeling at this point. If I had never met you I wouldn't be in the pain I am right now. I would be happy and probably be a doctor. But then again I know that a love like ours was rare. And I wouldn't trade it for the world._

_I miss you so much babe. Every part of me aches for you. My heart especially. I visit your grave everyday. Even if its snowing or pouring down rain. I never miss a day, I haven't missed one in weeks. Even if I'm out here at midnight, I still have to see you._

Logan was at Kendall's grave sight with James and Carlos. "Hey babe, I just stopped by to see you and I brought James and Carlos with me today."

James and Carlos were staring at Logan with a confused look on their face. They didn't say anything. "James flew in today to spend a week here." He explained to the head stone. He didn't want to meet the gaze of his two friends because he was sure they were thinking how crazy he was.

"Carlos told me you're going on a date next week." James said casually.

"I guess. I wouldn't consider it a date." Logan said sadly.

"You need to move on, you can't cling to Kendall forever." James said. "If you do that you will just be alone and miserable all your life."

Logan didn't say anything after that. He stood in an awkward silence with his two friends. After about twenty minutes they decided to leave. "Are you coming?" James asked softly.

Logan shook his head. "No, I'm going to stay here a little longer and visit." He was looking at the grave because he was sure the two of them were giving him another weird look.

_I come here all the time to see you. It makes me feel like I'm close to you again, dear. I told Carlos yesterday that I think I keep seeing you every where. He just gave me a weird look that pretty much told me he thinks I'm crazy. _

_I can't believe that they think I should move on already, I'm still mourning you, how the hell am I suppose to move on? You just passed two months ago. Even if a couple just breaks up the grieving process is longer than two months. How can they expect me to move on after two months when the love of my life died. _

_Carlos wants me to see someone to help me cope, but I'm not so sure of the idea. I don't know if I can pour my heart and soul out to someone I don't even know. My luck, I would get a homophobic shrink._

"I think I saw Kendall this morning in the kitchen." Logan said casually to Carlos the day before.

Carlos stopped eating for a second and looked at him. "What?" He asked in a worried tone.

Logan sighed. "I think I saw Kendall yesterday standing in front of the fridge staring at the schedule on it like he use to."

Carlos put down his fork, and gave Logan an intense stare. Logan looked down at his plate of meatloaf and mashed potatoes that Mrs. Garcia had made for him. He couldn't help but feel awkward. "Seeing things isn't a good thing Logan."

"I know, but what if Kendall is trying to tell me that he is still here. He was in his fatigues with a shirt instead of his blouse on. He use to walk around like that all the time in the house. Maybe he is just trying to help me." Logan said trying to reason what he had just said to Carlos.

Carlos continued to stare at Logan like he was insane. "Logan, I didn't want to say anything because I was afraid you would flip your lid, but Katie, Jo and I think it would be a good idea if you went and saw someone."

It was Logan's turn to look at the latino like he was the insane one. "What like a shrink?"

Carlos nodded. "We don't think you are coping all that well and maybe seeing someone will help you learn how to cope in a more healthy way."

Logan got angry at Carlos. "I'm coping very well if you ask me. I lost my soulmate. That's not something you just bounce back from. I'm not hurting myself so its not like I'm coping in an unhealthy manner."

"Okay, I'm sorry. It was just a suggestion, geez." Carlos muttered.

Logan felt bad that he had snapped on Carlos. He knew that his friend was only trying to help. "No, I'm sorry Carlitos. I'll think about it, okay?"

Carlos didn't want to press his luck so he just nodded and then continued eating.

_Now that I think about it, maybe it would be a good idea to talk to someone, but I'm not fully sure on that yet. I guess I have a lot of mixed emotions on it. But I meant what I said to Carlos, I swear I've seen you staring at the fridge in your fatigues, under shirt and combat boots. I see you as if it is real but when I blink or look away you are gone._

_James and Carlos think I'm nuts you should have seen the way they were looking at me earlier when I was talking to your stone. I usually see you everyday, but I haven't seen you around in almost a week until this morning and I can't feel you around me as much as I use to. Kendall, are you leaving me completely? Because I don't know if I can handle that yet. I need you to stay just a little longer, please. I need to see and feel you around me because when I don't it just makes me upset. _

_I don't think I'm ready to let go yet, babe. So please just stay a little bit longer. I need you._

_I guess I'll end this with…Got a date a week from Friday with the preacher's son, everybody says I'm crazy, guess we'll have to see._

_I love you forever._

_Logie Bear_

Logan closed the notebook in front of him and made his way back to his car. He was honestly dreading when the time came for his date.

**End Chapter**

**A/N: Poor Logan. The next chapter will have a little humor I promise. I will update tomorrow =)**

**Read and Review.**


	7. Thinking of You

**A/N: I am so sorry I haven't updated lately. I went home for a week and left my notebook with the chapters I had planned out at my house so I didn't have it. So here is the next chapter. Enjoy.**

**Chapter 7**

**Thinking of You-Katy Perry**

Day 80

Logan sighed as he closed the door to his house. He couldn't help but sigh as he thought back to his date and the night before. He needed to write Kendall more than ever so he made his way to his office and sat down in front of the notebook he had come to know so well. He started scribbling down the one song that had been running through his head all night.

_Comparisons are easily done  
__Once you've had a taste of perfection  
__Like an apple hanging from a tree  
__I picked the ripest one  
__I still got the seed_

_You said move on  
__Where do I go  
__I guess second best  
__Is all I will know_

_Cause when I'm with him  
__I am thinking of you  
__Thinking of you  
__What you would do if  
__You were the one  
__Who was spending the night  
__Oh I wish that I  
__Was looking into your eyes_

_You're like an Indian summer  
__In the middle of winter  
__Like a hard candy  
__With a surprise center  
__How do I get better  
__Once I've had the best_

___You said there's  
__Tons of fish in the water  
__So the waters I will test  
__He kissed my lips  
__I taste your mouth  
__He pulled me in  
__I was disgusted with myself_

_Cause when I'm with him  
__I am thinking of you  
__Thinking of you  
__What you would do if  
__You were the one  
__Who was spending the night  
__Oh I wish that I  
__Was looking into..._

_You're the best  
__And yes I do regret  
__How I could let myself  
__Let you go  
__Now the lesson's learned  
__I touched it I was burned  
__Oh I think you should know_

_Cause when I'm with him  
__I am thinking of you  
__Thinking of you  
__What you would do if  
__You were the one  
__Who was spending the night  
__Oh I wish that I  
__Was looking into your eyes_

_Looking into your eyes  
__Looking into your eyes  
__Oh won't you walk through  
__And bust in the door  
__And take me away  
__Oh no more mistakes  
__Cause in your eyes I'd like to stay..._

_My dearest Kendall,_

_I had my date last night with Troy and to be honest it was impossible not to compare him to you. I felt like I was betraying you the whole night, and maybe I was but I had to go because of Carlos. Don't get me wrong, Troy was a nice guy but he just wasn't you. The entire time I was with him I couldn't help but think of you._

_I wanted you to be the one next to me the entire night, not him. I would have given anything and everything for it to have been you there and not him. The date was nice we went to out to dinner and then he came back here…Kendall, I hope you aren't mad at me for letting him come back._

Logan couldn't help but sigh. It was true, he did feel like he was betraying Kendall. He couldn't help but think back to his date the night before though.

Troy had picked Logan up and taken him to a new restaurant that was built in St. Paul. It was italian, Kendall's favorite.

"So Carlos said that you are a nurse and want to become a doctor someday." Troy said with a smile trying to make conversation.

"Yeah, I plan on going back to school here soon to actually become a doctor. It's just some things have happened and it was put on the back burner for a while. And you, you're a starting defensive man for the Wild. How is that?" Logan asked trying to sound as interested as he could.

Troy smiled. "It's great. I love it. I've always loved hockey and playing on my favorite team is incredible."

Logan thought back to how Kendall's dream had been to play for the Wild and couldn't help but wish he had pursued that dream instead of going into the military. Logan shook his head and tried to concentrate on Troy and not Kendall.

It was eleven o'clock and Troy was walking Logan up the walk way. When they got to the door, Troy pulled Logan into a passionate kiss, and Logan allowed him to. He loved feeling the warmth and couldn't help but pretend that it was Kendall. Logan thought for a second before he asked his next question.

"Would you like to come in?" He was nervous and unsure when he asked but Troy said yes.

That night Troy and Logan slept in bed together, while Troy held Logan and occasionally kissed him.

_I don't want you to be mad at me because I don't think I could take it if you were. It would drive me crazy to know I did something you didn't like. But you have to know that the one and only reason I did it was to feel like I had you back. I closed my eyes all night and didn't even look at him. He had shaggy hair like you and I played with it, pretending it was your hair. _

_Kendall, I can't help but feel like that makes me a horrible person. Does it? I really think it does but I miss you so much that people should understand right? I know that its selfish but I've been through a lot and it is really hard to be here without you. _

_And besides, now that I think about it. You aren't allowed to be mad at me for my date. Because I was mad at you for giving me that damn note an hour before I went on my date. I only did what you said you wanted me to do._

Carlos and James had stopped by together an hour before Logan's big date. As soon as they walked in they could see their friend was nervous and unsure of if he should even go. They ushered him to come sit in the living room and he did as they asked.

"Guys, I'm leaving in an hour. What are you doing here?" Logan asked in a hopeful tone. He was hoping that they would talk him out of it.

"Well, you see we didn't know when to give you this." Carlos said.

"But we decided it would be best before you went out on this date. So here we are." They handed him a note that he knew was from Kendall. Logan could tell just by the envelope.

Logan shook his head at them. "One of you read it please." He said softly. He was anxious to know what Kendall had said to him.

He watched as James opened the letter and unfolded it. He took a deep breath before he started reading. "My dearest Logie Bear. I gave James this letter before I went, just in case. If something is to happen to me I don't want you to be alone the rest of your life. I want you to be happy and have a great fulfilled life. I want you to move on if something happens to me. There really is someone else out there for you Logie. And I won't be angry at you, I would be selfish to ask you to be alone for the rest of your life.

"The only way I will be angry is if you love him more than me. But we had something so special, that I can't see anyone comparing to the great Kendall Knight." They all chuckled at that one. "But I'm serious Logan, don't be miserable. Find someone who makes you happy and cling on to them for dear life! I love you forever and I'll be watching over you to make sure that you are safe. Kendall."

Logan didn't know what to say to them. He didn't feel sad for the first time after reading the note he felt something else. But even he couldn't describe what it is. "What is this P.S. I Love You?" He asked in a desperate tone.

Carlos and James laughed at him. "Well I don't have anymore notes, do you Carlitos?"

"No. I don't have any. He wasn't trying to hurt you. He just wanted to help." Carlos said in a reassuring voice.

Logan knew that was true but still didn't like it.

_You told me there is someone else out there for me. Maybe you are right but it's not true when all I can do is think of you and the relationship we shared. How am I suppose to move on when I honestly believe that you were the person I was meant to be with. Its so hard to just move on when I want to be with you and no one else. _

_When Troy took me out it was a nice date, but I couldn't stop thinking of you. But one thing in particular. I couldn't help but think about our last date we had._

Logan and Kendall were sitting at a bar grill named Eddie Joe's and were watching the Minnesota Wild play against the Maple Leafs. Carlos was playing right wing and they were excited to see that he was about to earn a hat trick.

"Come on Carlitos!" Kendall said quietly.

They watched as Carlos scored his third goal of the night and start fist pumping the air. "Yes!" Logan yelled out loud and raised his fist. Kendall brought him into a hug and kissed him passionately. "Kendall, everyone is staring at us!"

Kendall stopped holding him and looked around and sure enough everyone was staring wide eyed and open mouthed at the couple. Kendall let out a chuckle. "They're just jealous that they can't be the one kissing you." Kendall said smugly with a grin.

Logan couldn't help but laugh at his boyfriend. "You're crazy, you know that!"

Kendall just nodded. "I wish I had pursued hockey now. I could have been the one scoring the hat trick and leading the Wild to victory!" Kendall said dreamily.

Logan smiled. He knew that Kendall had always wanted to be a professional hockey player but when he met a Marine at a bar while they were still in BTR, he changed his mind. "Well, you just gave it up for a better dream." Logan said sweetly.

"Yeah. Staff Sgt. Parker really touched my heart when he talked about Iraq and how he felt like he really was an american hero and now in a week, I will get to experience that." Kendall said with a smile.

Logan gave a weak smile, not thrilled with the fact that Kendall would be gone soon. "You already are a hero." Logan said and then gave him a quick peck on the cheek.

They turned their attention back to the game. Logan felt Kendall lean into him. "So, do you still have your hockey jersey from high school Logie?" Kendall asked in a curious voice.

Logan smiled. "Of course I do."

Kendall's eyes lit up. He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and said. "Maybe you could wear it for me sometime."

Logan blushed and hit Kendall on the arm. "Kendall you are such a pervert! I will do no such thing!" Logan tried to tell him it wasn't going to happen but deep down inside he knew that Kendall would get his way, he always did. And of course, he did.

_You were such a pervert babe. I couldn't believe that I let you have your way that time. But then again I could never tell you no. You got whatever you wanted, when you wanted. But it was one of the many reasons I loved you so much. It's one of the reasons I still love you so much. Kendall, I don't know what to do without you._

_But I do know one thing for sure now. I'm no where near ready to move on and something tells me that I won't be ready for a long time. I hope you understand. But I'm going to go for a walk. _

_I still love you more than life itself._

_Logie Bear._

Logan sighed and as he promised he went for a walk. And knew after the night before he really wasn't ready to move on.

**End Chapter.**

**A/N: The next song will be a cheery song and will have a lot of happy stuff in it instead of so much depressing stuff. I promise. Sorry for the long wait for an update I will be updating more. Promise.**

**Read and Review Please.**


	8. Barbie Girl

**A/N: So this is a more funny chapter. I wanted one with some more amusement. While there will still be some depression a lot of it will be happy.**

**Chapter 8**

**Barbie Girl-Aqua**

Day 92

Logan couldn't help but smile. He had heard one song and couldn't get Kendall off his mind but this time it was a good memories. He smiled and started writing down the lyrics.

_Hi Barbie  
__Hi Ken!  
__Do you wanna go for a ride?  
__Sure Ken!  
__Jump In..._

_I'm a barbie girl, in the barbie world  
__Life in plastic, it's fantastic!  
__you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere  
__Imagination, life is your creation  
__Come on Barbie, let's go party!_

_I'm a barbie girl, in the barbie world  
__Life in plastic, it's fantastic!  
__you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere  
__Imagination, life is your creation_

___I'm a blond bimbo girl, in the fantasy world  
__Dress me up, make it tight, I'm your dolly  
__You're my doll, rock'n'roll, feel the glamour in pink,  
__kiss me here, touch me there, hanky panky...  
__You can touch, you can play, if you say: "I'm always yours"_

_(uu-oooh-u)_

_I'm a barbie girl, in the barbie world  
__Life in plastic, it's fantastic!  
__you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere  
__Imagination, life is your creation  
__Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
__(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)  
__Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
__(uu-oooh-u)  
__Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
__(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)  
__Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
__(uu-oooh-u)_

_Make me walk, make me talk, do whatever you please  
__I can act like a star, I can beg on my knees  
__Come jump in, bimbo friend, let us do it again,  
__hit the town, fool around, let's go party_

_You can touch, you can play, if you say: "I'm always yours"  
__You can touch, you can play, if you say: "I'm always yours"  
__Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
__(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)  
__Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
__(uu-oooh-u)  
__Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
__(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)  
__Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
__(uu-oooh-u)_

_I'm a barbie girl, in the barbie world  
__Life in plastic, it's fantastic!  
__you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere  
__Imagination, life is your creation_

_I'm a barbie girl, in the barbie world  
__Life in plastic, it's fantastic!  
__you can brush my hair, undress me everywhere  
__Imagination, life is your creation  
__Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
__(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)  
__Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
__(uu-oooh-u)  
__Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
__(Ah-ah-ah-yeah)  
__Come on Barbie, let's go party!  
__(uu-oooh-u)_

_Oh, I'm having so much fun!  
__Well Barbie, we're just getting started  
__Oh, I love you Ken!_

_Kendall,_

_Who knew that one song could put me in such a good mood. For once, I'm writing you while I'm happy instead of sad. While I do miss you still, I miss you every second of every day, I cherish all the memories I have made with you. But there is one moment this song brings to mind. _

"Logie, lets do karaoke." Kendall pleaded for what seemed like the hundredth time.

Logan rolled his eyes at his boyfriend. "I don't want to babe. Besides I don't sing anymore." He said in a stearn voice.

Kendall was quiet for a few moments and then his eyes lit up. "Wait, what if I choose a song that doesn't require you to sing all that much. We could do a duet." He said in an anxious voice.

Kendall was making a face at Logan that he couldn't say no to. He knew that the blond would once again get his way. "Fine. But I don't want to sing a whole lot." He said in a slightly annoyed voice.

Kendall smiled at him and his face lit up brighter then it had all night. "Really?" Logan nodded and watched as Kendall walked up to the DJ to talk to him about it. He saw Kendall motion him up so Logan walked up.

He and Kendall grabbed a mic and waited for the song. When the song started he heard Kendall mutter, "You're Ken."

Logan started laughing when he heard Kendall's voice go high pitch to imitate Barbie. Logan could barely say his parts because he was laughing so hard. His laughter only increased when Kendall started bouncing up and down and dancing.

"Come on Barbie, lets go party!" Logan said through laughter.

"ah, ah, ah, yeah." Kendall shrieked.

Logan could no longer contain his laughter. He missed the next six parts of his. After the song was over, Logan's side was aching because of his laughter. They received several applauses and Kendall took a bow, while Logan slapped his back. When they sat down at their table Kendall was smiling and Logan had finally gotten his laughter under control.

"What was that?" He finally asked.

"I wanted to have fun with it, I wanted to make everyone laugh. And I'm sure it worked." Kendall said with a grin.

Logan shook his head at Kendall. "Well, it was successful."

_I still can't believe that you made me do Barbie Girl. I still laugh when I think about that memory. I can't believe that you actually did that. But it was something that I loved most about you. I miss you still Kendall. I miss you more than anything in this world but I'm trying to focus on the good things today. I don't want to get all sad and mopey._

_Things are finally getting back to normal for me now babe. I am going to work and back to working out and reading like I use to. I don't go to your grave every day now. I got four to five times a week, but I don't need to be there anymore to feel close to you. I feel like I'm growing through this. I can feel you every where I am and I know that you are watching over me. _

_I saw Hayley and Jo a few days ago and that went well. Hayley is calling me daddy and I had to assure Jo at least ten times that I don't mind. I do see Hayley as my daughter. I love you so much that I will happily be a father figure to her. But I will make sure that she knows that her daddy was hero. That he was a great guy who gave his life for this country. _

_Well anyway babe, I saw something funny on my way home. Well, not really funny, but it brought back a funny memory to my mind. There was a guy getting a sobriety test done and I couldn't help but to think back to that time when we were sixteen. _

"Logan, I'm too drunk to drive. I need you to." Kendall said slurring his words.

Logan looked at him wide eyed. "What are you talking about? You told me that you would stay sober to drive. Besides, I only have my learner's permit. I don't even have my license." Logan said getting scared. Because Kendall had said that he had drank enough to feel a little tipsy.

"Well, you're more sober then me bud. So it looks like you're driving. And its only six miles. You've got this!" Kendall said while throwing the keys. Logan caught them and starred at him for a second.

Logan knew that he was more sober then Kendall and knew that they would be better off if he drove. He sighed in frustration and got in the drivers seat. He adjusted the seat to where he could drive and started his way towards his house where they were staying the night. After a few miles Logan's heart dropped when he saw the red and blue flashing lights behind him.

"Shit." He muttered. Kendall looked back and then quickly looked forward again.

Officer Foster walked up and Logan recognized him almost immediately. Logan and Kendall had many run ins with him and knew him well. "Mitchell, you're shitting me!"

Logan gave him a smile. "Was I doing something wrong Foster?" He asked in a neutral voice.

"Besides driving without a license? You were swerving. Are you drunk Logan?" He asked. Logan didn't say anything and a few minutes later he was outside doing a sobriety test, which he failed epically. He made Kendall get out and do one as well. Foster looked at Kendall for five seconds before he told him to sit down.

After their test Logan and Kendall were sitting on the curb and Logan was losing his mind while Kendall was so out of it he was laying his head on his knees. "Am I in trouble?" Logan asked Foster in a worried tone.

Foster shook his head. "No. I'm going to go call your dad to come get the two of you."

Logan's eyes widened. His dad was the public defender for the police department and so he had a lot of connections in the force. It had kept Logan and the others out of trouble when they really did something bad. If it was bad enough to where Mr. Garcia couldn't get them off, Mr. Mitchell could.

"We're so dead." Logan said to Kendall. Logan started rubbing his temples gently, trying to relax a little bit.

"Relax, Logie. He won't be too angry at you." Logan gave Kendall a skeptical look. "Okay maybe we are in trouble. I can't believe Foster is calling him. What a dick head."

Logan couldn't help but laugh at Kendall. "Be quiet, otherwise it's going to be worse." Logan said trying to hush Kendall up.

Kendall however didn't listen. "Foster, you're an asshole. I can't believe that you would call his dad. He is going to be in so much trouble."

"Kendall!" Logan yelled motioning for him to shut up.

"Fucking pigs." Kendall muttered.

"Kendall, just shut up. We're getting off, you just need to shut up."

By the time Mr. Mitchell had arrived Logan was trying his best to cover up Kendall's mouth. Logan knew that he was really in trouble. His dad was wearing sweatpants and a shirt. His father never left the house like this. Even when his grandfather had died he still showered and got a nice outfit on. Logan groaned knowing that he really had fucked up.

"You two get in the car. I'll deal with you when we get back to the house!" Mr. Mitchell said.

Logan and Kendall walked to Mr. Mitchell's car with their heads hung low.

_He yelled at us so much that night with Foster. It was horrible. I was surprised I wasn't grounded for the rest of my life and I'm surprised that he didn't tell me I couldn't be your friend anymore after everything you said to Foster. You idiot._

_But I'm glad that he didn't give me that option because I don't think that I could have made it through everything without you. And had we not been friends their wouldn't of been a Big Time Rush. I'm so glad that I got to have you in my life for so long. It sucks that I won't get to see you for a while, but I am really glad we had so many good memories together. _

_Anyhow, Carlos paid me a visit yesterday and gave me some surprising news to say the very least. I'm sure you already know seeing as you get to see everything but I still want to talk to you about it. _

Logan looked up as Carlos walked into the living room and sat down across from him. They hung out and talked for a few hours before Carlos finally gave him some surprising news. "So Katie is moving to South Carolina to be with James. They started dating last time he was home."

"What? Katie is like our little sister." Logan said in a confused tone.

Carlos kind of chuckle. "Yes, like OUR little sister. But they've always had a slight crush on each other. Remember when Katie had a crush on James for like six years and then James when Katie first started dating? The age gap was too much of a factor where as now that Katie is eighteen almost nineteen, it doesn't really matter that James is twenty four."

"I guess. I can't believe they are together. I know that James makes her happy though." Logan said with a smile.

"Yeah, every time he talks about her he gets this big goofy grin on his face." Carlos said with a laugh.

Logan smiled realizing something. "Katie is only happy when she is with James or talking to or about him."

_I can't help but wonder how you would feel about Katie and James being together. Katie was your baby sister and you were so protective of her. And James was somewhat of a womanizer. I can already see how our conversation about this would have went. __You would have said you would be damned if you would let James Diamond date your baby sister and then I would jump to James and Katie's defense and tell you that he is good for her and she is good for him and that they are really happy together and that we should be happy for them. Then, you would agree after a small argument and realize that I was right and then you would be okay with James dating Katie._

_But I mean it. I really am happy for Katie and James. They are helping each other heal and Katie is doing okay because of him. No one can deny that. I hope that you don't become James' personal poltergeist because he's dating your baby sister. But I'm sure that you of all people can see how much he really is helping her. I hope you can._

_She moves there in a week, and all I can hope is that they will be happy together. I know that we were soul mates and I think they are too. All I can do now is pray that they will be as happy as we were together._

_Things are slowly getting better Kendall. I think I really am slowly healing, but I don't miss you any less. I miss you more then anything in this world. I would still do anything to be with you again. But I'm going to wrap this up and get some sleep._

_I love you so much Kendall._

_Love always,_

_Logie Bear 3_

Logan walked upstairs thinking that for once he would be able to get a good nights sleep and not cry hysterically. He was right, he slowly was healing.

**A/N: Well I hope that everyone liked the happier chapter. Unfortunately, the next chapter will be depressing again. **

**Reviews please.**


	9. Here Without You

**A/N: So including this chapter there are only 5 left. I have it planned out and am hoping that everyone will enjoy the ending. **

**Chapter 9**

**Here Without You-3 Doors Down **

Day 100

Logan was sitting in front of the notebook still not able to believe that a hundred days had passed since he had found out that Kendall had passed. He started scribbling down lyrics knowing that it was the perfect song for his emotions right now.

_A hundred days have made me older  
__Since the last time that I saw your pretty face  
__A thousand lies have made me colder  
__And I don't think I can look at this the same  
__But all the miles that separate  
__Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face_

_I'm here without you baby  
__But you're still on my lonely mind  
__I think about you baby  
__And I dream about you all the time  
__I'm here without you baby  
__But you're still with me in my dreams  
__And tonight it's only you and me_

_The miles just keep rollin'  
__As the people leave their way to say hello  
__I've heard this life is overrated  
__But I hope that it gets better as we go_

_I'm here without you baby  
__But you're still on my lonely mind  
__I think about you baby  
__And I dream about you all the time  
__I'm here without you baby  
__But you're still with me in my dreams  
__And tonight girl its only you and me_

_Everything I know, and anywhere I go  
__It gets hard but it wont take away my love  
__And when the last one falls  
__When it's all said and done  
__It gets hard but it wont take away my love_

_I'm here without you baby  
__But you're still on my lonely mind  
__I think about you baby  
__And I dream about you all the time  
__I'm here without you baby  
__But you're still with me in my dreams  
__And tonight girl its only you and me_

_Kendall,_

_It's been a hundred days since I found out about you passing on. It feels like its been years though. Not just three and a half months. I can't believe that you've been gone so much, its been a quarter of a year and things still aren't back to normal for me. I don't think things will ever be normal for me again to be honest. You were such a big part of my life and now you're not here._

_I have a bone to pick with you though, Mr. Knight. I was talking to Jo last night and she said that you had kissed her a few days before we went on our first date. I don't understand why you would do that if you had such deep feelings for me like you said you did. And not only that you didn't tell me, did you still love her? Is that why you didn't tell me? I'm sorry Kendall, I just realized how ridiculous I am being. I know that you didn't love her. I'm just being stupid and paranoid._

_I had a dream about you last night, babe. Did you finally decide to visit me? I hope so._

Logan thought back to the dream he had the night before. He was sitting in a dark black room and saw the familiar blond in front of him. "Kendall?" He asked in an unsure tone.

Kendall walked up to him and hugged him. "Logan, I've missed you so much." Logan melted into Kendall's embrace and enjoyed the feel of having him back.

"I've missed you too. Kendall is this real?"

"Of course its real, Logie Bear. I was finally able to come see you. The big man usually doesn't allow this but he made an exception for you." Kendall said with his famous smirk.

"So it isn't true then? God doesn't hate fags?" Logan said in an amused voice.

"Of course not, God loves everyone, even us." Kendall said with a huge grin on his face.

Logan couldn't help it, he wrapped his arms around Kendall again and gave him a gentle kiss on his lips. "Kendall, I'm so glad that you are here right now. You have no idea how much I've missed you."

Kendall pulled him away. "I do too. I've missed you just as much. It hurts me to see how much pain you are in and I know that its because I'm not here with you. But you should know that I would much rather be here with you then be up there."

Logan smiled at his boyfriend. "Of course I know that babe."

"Good, I'm here for a reason though. Logan you have to move on. It's time that you do. I won't be mad, I don't want you to be miserable the rest of your life babe. I want you to find someone who makes you happy and who makes you laugh. Because lets face it, you're more beautiful when you smile."

Logan couldn't help but blush at that. "I will eventually, but I'm not ready to yet."

Kendall walked up and planted a kiss on Logan's lips. "I have to go now Logan. I love you and I'll be watching and protecting you from up above."

"I love you too." Logan said.

And just like that Kendall was gone and Logan had woken up in tears.

_I would like to believe that it really was you. I don't know if it was but I'm going to believe that it was because to be honest with you that was just what I needed. I needed to feel like I was with you again for a few minutes. And I'm not ready to try and move on but I promise that I will try my hardest._

_I found that out when I went out with Troy, but I promise that when I feel that I am ready I will try to love and I promise that I won't hold back. I would like to be happy again one day, but it won't happen until I have gotten over your death a little more._

_So Hayley's birthday party was yesterday. Our little girl is three years old now. I wish that you could have been there with us yesterday. You would have found it just as cute as I did._

Hayley had just finished opening her gifts from everyone and thanked everyone for all of her gifts. After the party was over she pulled Logan over to her doll house she had just received.

"Daddy, come play with me!" She yelled.

"Alright, baby doll. I'm coming." He said with a chuckle.

He sat down with her and watched as she pulled out all of her new dolls she had received from all the guest. Logan had gotten her a few barbie dolls and a sports car for her doll. She took two male dolls in her hands and started making them talk and Logan couldn't help but smile.

"Daddy, this is Kendall and this one is Logan." She said with a smile.

Logan had to wipe a few tears away from his eyes. "Are they in love with each other?" He asked in an amused tone.

"They are. They're married and have two babies. One is Hayley and one is Jo." She said with a smile. Jo was now watching and had a smile on her face.

Logan watched as Hayley made her Logan and Kendall dolls kiss and hold hands and be all lovey dovey with each other and she even reenacted a few times when he and Kendall had played hide and seek with her. He smiled at his daughter. "Well, Hayley I have to get to work so I have to get going." Logan said with regret.

"Ahhh, do you have to?" She asked. "Can I come to your house this weekend?"

He looked at her and she had hopeful eyes. "If its okay with your mommy you can spend the weekend with me."

"Otay." She said. She stood up and wrapped her arms around Logan. He picked her up and gave her a kiss on the forehead. "I love you, daddy."

"I love you too baby doll." He said in a sweet voice.

He walked over to Jo and she was smiling at him. "Did you really mean it?" She asked with a huge smile.

"What taking her this weekend? Of course I did." He said returning her smile. "It will be weird without Kendall, but I think it would be good for me."

"Are you doing okay? We're all worried about you." Jo said in a concerned tone.

"I'm doing as good as I can be. I lost Kendall, he was the love of my life and now I'm trying to settle into a life without him. It's hard." Logan admitted.

Jo wrapped her arms around him. "I'm so sorry I told you what I did. I shouldn't have because even I know it meant nothing. I had a bottle of wine and was so tipsy I couldn't catch the words before they came out."

Logan laughed at her. "I know sweetie, its okay. I wasn't angry. But I really do have to get going I have work in a few hours and I need to take a nap before I go in."

He hugged Jo and walked out the door and made his way home.

_You missed it babe. It really sucks that you had to miss Hayley's third birthday but I know that you were there in spirit. She had two dolls and she named the Kendall and Logan and she was playing with them and even made them kiss and everything. It was adorable it even made me tear up a little bit. She is even spending the weekend with me this weekend. It will be weird without you but I can make it. I love her and I will make sure she has a good time._

_I am thinking that I will be playing a bunch of kids games and playing with dolls all weekend, but I will take it. I miss seeing her like I use to, but that is going to change. I am going to talk to Jo about taking her every weekend. I know that Jo needs a break and she needs help and I think seeing Hayley will do me a world of good to be honest. So I really think I am going to do it._

_So last night before I went to bed and saw you I was thinking about when we first started dating and when we confessed our undying love for each other. It still brings a smile to my face._

Logan and Kendall were sitting at the bar watching the Wild play the Red Wings. The Wild were down by one in the third period and they were both on the edge of their seats hoping that the Wild could make a come back.

Logan had known that he had feelings for Kendall for a while, he just hadn't admitted it to him yet. They watched as the Wild scored and they cheered with the rest of the bar. Logan felt his face in Kendall's hand and then Kendall planted a kiss on his lips.

Logan looked at Kendall surprised but couldn't help but smile. The rest of the game crept by and Logan felt like it was going on forever.

When they finally made it back to Logan's apartment Logan was on edge. "Kendall what was with that kiss?" He asked as soon as they walked through the door.

"Logan, I know that you have feelings for me, I just couldn't contain myself anymore." Kendall said with a smile.

Logan got a smile on his face. "So what, you're telling me that you actually have feelings for me too?" Logan asked in a surprised tone.

Kendall got a grin on his face and laughed. "Of course I do. I've had a crush on you since I was eighteen."

Logan got a blush on his face. "Really that short of a time? I liked you shortly after we got to L.A. I just never said anything because I didn't want you to be weirded out or anything like that." Logan thought about it for a few seconds. "Is that why you and Jo broke up a year ago?"

Kendall nodded. "I told her about my feelings for me and she told me that she always knew in the back of her mind and that she wishes us the best. She's been the one telling me to make my move."

Logan couldn't believe what he was hearing right now. He never would have been able to even begin to imagine that this could possibly be real. He never thought that Kendall would return feelings for him. He couldn't help but smile at the blonde.

He smiled when Kendall stood up and wrapped his arms around him. "I never thought in a million years I would be having this conversation with you Kendall."

Kendall smiled at him. "I didn't either Logie Bear. I've loved you for so long and I'm so glad that I can finally tell you that."

Logan couldn't believe what he had just heard. "You, you love me?" He asked in a confused tone. Kendall didn't say anything, he just nodded. "I love you too."

Logan wrapped his arms around Kendall and kissed his lips passionately. They spent the night together for the first time that night and Logan knew from that point on that he and Kendall were truly meant to be together.

_I remember thinking that nothing could ever tear us apart that night. That we would be together forever. I didn't think that forever would only be a few short months. I thought that you would still be here babe. I can't believe that you aren't. That night still seems just like yesterday. Not almost a year ago. _

_Going on with you gone is still hard but I'm getting better at it to be honest. I'm learning how to live my life without you now and its still hard but it is getting easier everyday and I am so thankful. Even though I have lost you I am so thankful to have had you in my life. Not many people know the love we shared and a lot of people don't get to experience something so wonderful. _

_So for that I am thankful that God gave me you. I will never love someone as much as I loved you but like I said I am so glad I got to experience such an intense connection and such an intense love. I will continue to miss you every second of everyday but I will move past this. I will move past it but I will never forget you. I never could. So I'm off to bed now to dream of you, because tonight it's only you and me._

_Love always,_

_Logie Bear _

**A/N: I hope you all enjoyed the chapter. I hope that you guys will like the ending when I post it.**

**Reviews are always welcome!**


	10. Untitled

**A/N: Change of plans. I decided to cut one chapter out because it wasn't really important so after this one there will only be two more. I hope you guys enjoy it. I will be finishing this one up so I will be working on this to finish it so my other updates may be a little longer.**

**Chapter 10**

**Untitled-Simple Plan**

Day 115

Logan sighed as he walked in the door. He knew that he had to go to this party and had heard a song that made him think of Kendall. He went to his notebook and started scribbling down the lyrics.

_I open my eyes_

_I try to see but I'm blinded by the white light_

_I can't remember how_

_I can't remember why_

_I'm lying here tonight_

_And I can't stand the pain_

_And I can't make it go away_

_No I can't stand the pain_

_How could this happen to me_

_I made my mistakes_

_I've got no where to run_

_The night goes on_

_As I'm fading away_

_I'm sick of this life_

_I just wanna scream_

_How could this happen to me_

_Everybody's screaming_

_I try to make a sound but no one hears me_

_I'm slipping off the edge_

_I'm hanging by a thread_

_I wanna start this over again_

_So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered_

_And I can't explain what happened_

_And I can't erase the things that I've done_

_No I can't_

_How could this happen to me_

_I made my mistakes_

_I've got no where to run_

_The night goes on_

_As I'm fading away_

_I'm sick of this life_

_I just wanna scream_

_How could this happen to me_

_I made my mistakes_

_I've got no where to run_

_The night goes on_

_As I'm fading away_

_I'm sick of this life_

_I just wanna scream_

_How could this happen to me _

_Kendall,_

_I ask myself this all the time. I can't stand this pain and can't believe that this happened to me. Why you I ask all the time. I don't think it was fair that you were taken from us, but I know that it was for a reason and I can't stand this. I love you so much and I can't live in this world without you. I just want to scream at everyone until they feel as bad as I do. I'm so sick of this._

_I know that I'm just being a little bitch right now so why don't I move forward to this last weekend? I took Hayley this last weekend and I must say that I did an awesome job with our little girl. She had a lot of fun. She had a very fun filled weekend._

Logan had picked Hayley up on Friday and it was now Sunday. He was taking the little girl to the zoo for the her first time and he could tell that she was excited about seeing penguins in real life for the first time since she loved them so much. He smiled as he watched her chatter in the back seat about all the animals she wanted to see.

"Daddy, what animal do you want to see?" She asked curiously.

Logan couldn't help but smile at his daughter. I want to see the tigers. They were always my favorite."

"I like the tigers, too!"

When they finally reached the zoo Logan carried her around as they looked at all the exhibits and all the animals that were there. "Did my daddy like the zoo?" Hayley asked Logan.

Logan smiled. "The zoo was one of his favorite places to go. He would bring your mom here and they would see all the animals. He actually got your mom's friend attacked by a llama."

"Really?" She asked as her eyes lit up. "How did he do that?"

Logan laughed. "Our bosses wouldn't let your mommy and daddy go to the zoo so they came up with a plan and they put peanut butter on the back of Jett's jacket and the llama started eating it, he was head butting him and trying to get all of it off." Logan said.

Hayley giggled to herself. "They like peanut butter?" She asked in disbelief.

"Are you kidding me? Llama's love peanut butter!" He said with a smile.

Hayley gave him a look like she couldn't believe it. After they were done with the zoo, Logan took Hayley to get some delicious ice cream and laughed when the little girl got chocolate syrup all over her face. He couldn't help but take a picture of it with his phone before he wiped the girls face clean with a napkin.

He started driving her to Jo's to take her back. "Daddy, I don't wanna go. I want to stay with you again tonight." The little three year old pouted.

"You can't, it's your mommy's turn to have you." He said with a grin. It made him feel good to know that Hayley wanted to stay with him. Truth be told, Logan had been nervous to take the little one for a full weekend. He feared that he would somehow mess it all up.

When they got back to Jo's he carried Hayley in and when she said by was met with a big hug. "I love you daddy. I can't wait to see you next time!" She said with a big smile on her face.

"It will be in two weeks. You will come spend the weekend with me again." He said while giving her a kiss on the forehead.

"YAY!" The little girl screamed while running up the stairs.

"Looks like you two had fun!" Jo said with a smile. "Did she behave?"

"We did, and doesn't she always. I will be here a week from Friday to get her again. Thank you for this, Jo. Really."

Jo gave him a warm smile before she responded. "She is just as much your child. She loves you. You love her. Take care Logan. Feel free to stop by anytime."

_I went to see her again yesterday too. She was so happy to see me! I thought that she was going to strangle me she was so excited! She had her arms around me with the jaws of life. I was glad that Jo let me take her, because I really do miss her. And she got a kick out of the zoo story from when you got Jett hooked up with that Llama, she couldn't believe that they like peanut butter. But I assured her they did._

_She really is growing up. She still has your beautiful eyes, but she is a little mini Jo. She has Jo's everything else. I can already tell that Jo and I are going to have our hands full when it comes to her. She can be so sassy sometimes, but Jo said she hasn't been listening to her. She threatened to spank her, and Hayley actually bent over as if to say "I dare you." I laughed because it sounds like something you would have done. _

_Well tonight, Carlos is having a going away party for Katie. She leaves tomorrow for South Carolina with James and we can all tell that she is excited. I think that she really does love him, and same with him for her. She seems all around happier when he is around, and I think that is great for her! But I have to get going to this party. I will be back later to finish this note and tell you how things go._

_Okay, it's later now. Everyone showed up, all of Katie's friends and all of ours and James', to say the very least the party was HUGE! I just kind of sat with Carlos and observed everything, you know how I am around a big group of people. It was nice seeing some of our old friends though honestly. But it was sad and depressing to say the least._

Logan watched as Katie took her eighth shot in three hours. He couldn't help but get a little worried. Logan knew that there was no way that Katie's body could process that all out and she had to be tipsy. He watched as Katie came up and grabbed his ear like she always had.

"Ow, ow, ow, ow. Katie, you know I have sensitive ears. How many times do I have to tell you that?" He asked in a frantic voice. She had pulled Logan into the bathroom and Logan could instantly see why.

Katie had giant tears welling in her eyes. Logan grabbed her and held on for dear life, wanting to help Katie feel better. "I miss him so much, Logan. I miss all of my family. I have no one left." She said miserably.

"I miss him too, Kate. You have us still, and you have James. He loves you so much and he is trying his best to help you through this." Logan said in a soothing voice.

"I know, but Kendall, he was my big brother. I looked up to him and I admired him so much and now...now...he's just...gone." She chocked out in between tears.

Logan was unsure of what to say and do. He didn't do well with crying girls and wasn't sure if he could really think of anything to say. He held her. "Logan, how do you do it? How did you continue on with your life?" She asked, really wanting to know how he had done it.

Logan sighed. He didn't know what to say because he still hadn't fully continued on with his life and he didn't know if he should tell her that. "I haven't. I try to go on like nothing happened because at the end of the day, I know that Kendall would want it that way. Kendall wouldn't want us to be miserable on his account. He would want us to be happy. Life goes on, as he use to say."

Katie couldn't help but smile at Logan. She knew that he was right, and nodded. "Thank you. James understands and everything, but you were closer to him. You were his soulmate. Please don't tell him that I was crying. He'll just worry." Katie said getting worried.

Logan nodded and left the bathroom so that she could get herself together before she left the bathroom. He walked back out to James and Carlos and sat down and was met with weird looks. "Katie, is a little upset. She misses Kendall. Has she been okay?" Logan asked softly to James.

James frowned a little and his eyebrows furrowed a bit. "She's been dealing with it, but to be honest it is still really hard for her. She hasn't just lost Kendall, she lost her mom and dad. It's been hard for her and at this point, I'm just trying to help her as much as I can." James said.

Logan nodded knowing that James was trying to help Katie and help her move on the best he could.

_She really misses you Kendall. James is trying to help as much as he can but there is only so much he can do to be honest. She needs you, but she won't ever be able to talk to you again and that must hurt her. I know it kills me that I will never get to talk to you again or anything like that. _

_James tries to keep her occupied, and not in that way, you giant perv. But he tries to keep her busy and tries to keep her mind off of things so that she can enjoy life again. But I know that her mind never leaves you, and I only know that because my mind never leaves you. You were her big brother, I know that she has to think about you as much as I do, and that really is a lot baby._

_So I didn't tell you this, but I'm sure you already know. But I was in an accident on my way home. I couldn't believe it and it hurt so much. I even had to go to the emergency room. I just now got home!_

Logan had left the party sober. He didn't want to drink because for him depression and alcohol meant trouble. He knew that he didn't want to lose it, so he thought that it would be best if he didn't drink at the party.

He was in his car and was listening to some music that he put on a CD. A lot of it had music that reminded him of Kendall, but he had made sure to make it all a happy mix so that he wouldn't get upset.

Logan saw a Ford F-150 coming his way and noticed that it was swerving really bad. "Fucking drunk drivers." Logan muttered under his breath.

He saw the guy start to come over into the wrong lane so Logan blared the horn. When he noticed that he wasn't go to get back over Logan started to swerve. But it wasn't enough. The truck still T-Boned Logan on his side and Logan blacked out on impact.

_I just now got home. James and Carlos were there and while I was there, I kept coming in and out of consciousness. They said that I had a severe concussion, but I was okay to come home! So I guess that is good, because even though I work there, I still hate staying at the hospital. I never have liked it._

_Do you remember when I got my appendix out and I had to stay in? I remember all you guys were there all day during visiting hours and I was so thankful. Otherwise I think I would have died of boredom to be honest. _

_Well I'm laying in bed now and have a massive headache, so I am going to have to wrap this up. I love you and I hope that you can visit me again tonight. I am going to get some sleep. I will write you again tomorrow since this was so damn short!_

_Ever thine. Ever mine. Ever ours._

_Always,_

_Logie Bear_

**A/N: Kind of Blah, but I really liked it and I'm so excited for the next chapter. I need some sleep so I won't be editting this so I hope there aren't too many type o's if so I do apologize!**


	11. Here Comes Goodbye

**A/N: So this is following the video to this song. If you have never seen it, you should go watch it. It's a tear jerker, but amazing. This chapter has been planned out since the start of this story so I hope you guys like it.**

**Chapter 11**

**Here Comes Goodbye-Rascal Flatts**

Day 116

Logan decided to dive right into it this time. He was missing two people right now. He started scribbling down the lyrics to a song.

_I can hear the truck tires coming up the gravel road  
__And its not like her to drive that slow, nothin's on the radio  
__Footsteps on the front porch, I hear my doorbell  
__She usually comes right in, now I can tell_

_Here comes goodbye  
__Here comes the last time  
__Here comes the start of every sleepless night  
__The first of every tear I'm gonna cry  
__Here comes the pain  
__Here comes me wishing things had never changed  
__And she was right here in my arms tonight, but here comes goodbye_

_I can hear her say I love you like it was yesterday  
__And I can see it written on her face that she had never felt this way  
__One day I thought I'd see her with her daddy by her side  
__And violins would play here comes the bride_

_Here comes goodbye  
__Here comes the last time  
__Here comes the start of every sleepless night  
__The first of every tear I'm gonna cry  
__Here comes the pain  
__Here comes me wishing things had never changed  
__And she was right here in my arms tonight, but here comes goodbye_

_Why does it have to go from good to gone?  
__Before the lights turn on, yeah and youre left alone  
__All alone, but here comes goodbye_

_Oh-oooo_

_Here comes goodbye  
__Here comes the last time  
__Here comes the start of every sleepless night  
__The first of every tear I'm gonna cry  
__Here comes the pain  
__Here comes me wishing things had never changed  
__And she was right here in my arms tonight, but here comes goodbye_

_Oh-oooo _

_Kendall,_

_So for some reason, I'm not just missing you tonight. I've been mourning you for so long that I have been ignoring how much I miss my grandpa. But today, it seems that all that has caught up with me, all I seem to be able to think about is him and you. But for some reason, mostly him. Which is odd, because you have been the person who has been on my mind all the time and now he has just kind of taken your place._

Logan was fourteen years old and was opening his birthday present from his Grandpa Jim. He smiled when he had finally finished unwrapping it and saw a Minnesota Wild jersey. It was an exact replica of a real jersey. Logan instantly jumped up and hugged his grandpa tightly. "This is the best present ever!"

His grandpa wrapped his arms around him and hugged him again. Later when Logan was running around with Kendall, James and Carlos his grandpa stopped him and sat him down on the couch in the living room. Kendall had joined them, however.

"You know I was about your age when my grandfather gave me a Stars jersey like that. I wore it all the time. I didn't think I could love anything as much as I loved that jersey. When he passed away, I placed it right there next to him...sometimes life just seems like chapters are goodbyes." He said sadly.

Logan smiled at him and gave him another hug. "I'll wear this everyday grandpa, and I'm never going to take it off!"

Six months later his Grandpa Jim passed away of a sudden heart attack. Logan had been devastated and had wore the Jersey five times a week and would allow his mom to wash it twice a week. He held the jersey in his arms as he waited to take one final look at his hero, and when he walked up to his Grandpa's casket he softly placed the jersey on top of his grandpa, knowing that it was only right to do the same thing he had done.

Logan was a bearer and had carried his Grandpa to the hearse that would take him to his final resting place. Logan had cried the entire way to the actual burial and had thought about what his Grandpa had said on his birthday the entire way there.

_I can't help but think that he was right. It does seem like chapters are goodbyes. A chapter ended when you passed and it was a goodbye. I miss you and him so much. Please tell him that I miss him so much. I think about him often. I still remember how awesome you were during all that. I was such a wreck and if it hadn't been for you, I don't think I would have made it. We were so young, but you were still so great through it all. You were always there to remind me that I had friends and family to help me through it and i can't even begin to count how many tears you wiped away._

_So I didn't tell you what happened earlier today. I'm really worried about James and Carlos, babe. I mean like really worried. They were so upset today. I don't know what was wrong though, I kind of pieced it together but they never actually came out and said._

Logan had walked down that morning to see James and Carlos in his living room. They were sitting on the couch and looking at Kendall's flag that was on Logan's mantel. Logan said a good morning to them and went and got a drink of water before joining them in the living room.

When he walked into the living room, he sat down on the couch and looked at them for a few minutes. He didn't know what to say to try and soothe them. It was blatantly obvious that they were missing Kendall. Logan had been so fragile that he had been ignoring his two best friends. "I'm sorry about things guys. I really am."

Logan was surprised when they ignored what he had just said. He knew that they were hurting but there was no need for them to be so rude to him. He tried to brush it off. He saw James wrap his arms around Carlos. Carlos had broken down completely. Carlos was looking all over the room at his surroundings.

"I still can't believe it! I still can't believe that he is gone and we will never get to see him again. This isn't fair! Why?" Carlos sounded like he was miserable and wanted to die. Logan could tell just by looking at him how miserable his friend was. He stood up and joined James in wrapping his arms around him.

"We will make it through all of this. I promise. Together we can make it through this." James said trying to soothe him.

Carlos pulled himself together and nodded. Logan finally decided he would say something. "James is right, we all three need each other and we can make it through this together. We're best friends."

Carlos continued to silently cry in James' arms. It only got worse when he would look from Kendall's flag to the surroundings of the house.

_It was like they were ignoring me. You don't think that they are mad at me for not caring that they were hurting too, do you? They left shortly after that, but I couldn't handle it if they thought I was being selfish. It was just that, you were my soulmate. I lost you and I was devastated. I am just now finally getting my life back together, baby._

_I think they need you now more than I do. They are missing you, I can just tell by how they were today. I miss you more still, but right now they need to feel you with them even more than I do. I will love you forever Kendall and I will never forget you as long as I live._

_Forever yours,_

_Logie Bear_

Logan sighed and put his pen down and reread the note he had just written to Kendall. He jumped when he heard a familiar voice behind him. "Why are you writing me, Logan?"

Logan looked behind him and saw Kendall glancing over his shoulder. Logan couldn't help but be confused about what was going on. He had never had this big of a illusion that Kendall was standing right in front of him. "Kendall? How is this possible?" Logan asked in a confused tone.

Kendall couldn't help but frown at Logan. "You still don't understand, do you Logie?"

Logan shook his head so Kendall offered his hand to Logan. He reluctantly took it and was surprised when he could feel the warmth radiating from his lover's hand. Kendall pulled him away from his desk and suddenly they were in an office. They saw Carlos and James talking to someone. Logan looked around and instantly recognized the room as a funeral home. He listened in on the conversation.

"When did he pass away?" The funeral director, Wayne asked.

"He was pronounced dead this morning at two a.m." James said sadly. Carlos was next to him slowly letting his tears fall.

"Okay, and what was the full name of the deceased?" Wayne asked.

James sighed before he spoke again. "Logan Henry Mitchell." He whispered.

Logan looked at Kendall with fear clearly written on his face. He didn't know what to say to his boyfriend. Things were slowly starting to piece themselves together. Then a memory occurred to him.

_Flashback_

After his accident Logan was rushed to the hospital in critical condition. He had a splitting headache. He kept seeing flashes of things happening. First he was starring at his steering wheel and then he faded out. When he woke up next he was being loaded in the stretcher.

When Logan arrived at the hospital they did a scan on his head and found he had a severe concussion and said that if that was all that was wrong with him he could go home. But then his other results came back. He had a lot of internal bleeding that they had to try and stop.

Logan felt James and Carlos each squeezing one of his hands. "You are going to be going into surgery any minute now. Just stay strong." James said with a caring voice.

"And hold in there. We still need you here." Carlos said.

Logan was prepped and was taken to the operating room. But during his operation the internal bleeding was too much. His heart stopped and they couldn't revive him. Logan remembered now having an out of body experience. He watched as Carlos and James cried in front of the operating window. They watched as he flatlined and as the doctors gave up.

_End flashback_

Logan remembered everything now. His spirit was the one who went home the night before and finished writing his note to Kendall. He wasn't heard this morning because they were couldn't hear him. They weren't mourning Kendall, they were mourning him.

Logan couldn't help but gasp at this realization. He was dead, he had died earlier that morning. He looked at Kendall with horror clearly written on his face. Kendall however, couldn't help but chuckle at him.

"Oh, my sweet Logie, for being a smart guy, you can be pretty slow sometimes." He said with a grin on his face.

Logan couldn't help but glare back at him. He didn't know that he had died, he had blocked out everything that had happened between being told he had a concussion, until he arrived home. "I'm sorry that I didn't realize. How long did it take you to realize?" Logan asked curiously.

Kendall thought back. "A minute maybe. I was shot and then right after was running around again. I looked down and saw the medic trying to save me. But it was too late."

Logan was still frowning, but then another realization hit him and he smiled at Kendall and wrapped his arms around him and gave him a kiss. "Does this mean that I get to stay with you?" He asked in a hopeful tone.

Kendall chuckled at him. "Yes, you get to spend an eternity with me. I was sent down here to get you. You won't believe who was sent down to get me!"

Logan thought about it for a second. "Your dad?"

"No, he had to watch over Katie that day. It was your Grandpa Jim." Kendall said with a smile. "He was there waiting to take me across the gates with him."

Logan smiled. He took another glance at an upset James and Carlos and his heart ached to tell them how sorry he was they were going through this again. "What's it like?" Logan asked Kendall softly.

Kendall smiled at him. "There's no more goodbyes."

Logan gave Kendall a gentle smile. Kendall had always been touched by what his grandpa had said. Kendall held out his hand again. "Are you ready, Logie?"

Logan smiled even bigger. "I am. I love you, Kendall."

Kendall couldn't help but chuckle. "I love you too."

**End Chapter**

**A/N: This chapter was a little hard to write. This video makes me think of my son. It's hard to lose someone but I wanted a happy ending. Even though this one is bittersweet, it's happy for Logan.**

**Reviews please**


	12. When I Get Where I'm Going

**A/N: So this is the last chapter and it won't be as long as the others, but I still hope you enjoy the end. **

**Chapter 12**

**When I Get Where I'm Going-Brad Paisley & Dolly Parton**

When I get where I'm going

On the far side of the sky

The first thing that I'm gonna do

Is spread my wings and fly

I'm gonna land beside a lion

And run my fingers through his mane

Or I might find out what it's like

To ride a drop of rain

Yeah when I get where I'm going

There'll be only happy tears

I will shed the sins and struggles

I have carried all these years

And I'll leave my heart wide open

I will love and have no fear

Yeah when I get where I'm going

Don't cry for me down here

I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy

And he'll match me step for step

And I'll tell him how I missed him

Every minute since he left

Then I'll hug his neck

Yeah when I get where I'm going

There'll be only happy tears

I will shed the sins and struggles

I have carried all these years

And I'll leave my heart wide open

I will love and have no fear

Yeah when I get where I'm going

Don't cry for me down here

So much pain and so much darkness

In this world we stumble through

All these questions I can't answer

So much work to do

But when I get where I'm going

And I see my maker's face

I'll stand forever in the light

Of his amazing grace

Yeah when I get where I'm going

There'll be only happy tears

Hallelujah

I will love and have no fear

When I get where I'm going

Yeah when I get where I'm going

Logan and Kendall watched sadly as Carlos listened to this song on the radio. It had been five years, five long and amazing years since Logan had joined Kendall in heaven. Logan hadn't felt like five years had gone by, but he was glad that he was with his love again.

Carlos was on his way to a very important event, and Logan and Kendall couldn't help but be sad that they were missing it. But they were still watching as everything happened. They smiled down on everyone still on earth.

Logan couldn't help but think about when Hayley had first started school two years ago. He chuckled to himself and was met with a weird look from Kendall. "What is it, love?"

Logan smiled at him. "I was just thinking about our little girl's first day of school."

Kendall laughed. "She was so excited about it."

Logan thought back to that day two years ago.

_Hayley had been up at the crack of dawn, waking Jo up. She jumped on her mom's bed until Jo finally forced herself to wake up. She quickly tried to rub the sleep out of her eyes. "Mommy, mommy, it's time, its time!"_

_Jo chuckled to herself and got up. Hayley got in the tub and got all clean and then put on a pair of jeans and a Big Time Rush shirt. She wanted to tell everyone that her dad's had been in the band. Jo put the girls hair into a ponytail and took the girl down to get some breakfast. _

_In the middle of breakfast, the doorbell rang and Jo rushed to go answer it. She smiled when she saw Carlos standing in the doorway. Since Katie and James didn't live close by, Hayley had Carlos as the male figure in her life. She loved her Uncle Carlos. "Hey Jo!" Carlos wrapped his arms around his friend and gave her a hug._

"_UNCLE CARLOS!" Hayley screamed, while running into his arms._

"_Are you ready for school, sweetie?" Carlos asked. _

_When she nodded, he grabbed her booster seat and set her in the back seat of his car. He drove the girl to her first day of Kindergarden, and couldn't help but chuckle when she asked. "Uncle Carlos what if the other kids don't like me?"_

_Carlos, being the somewhat irresponsible adult he was, answered. "If they don't like you just grab them by the hair and give them the one, two."_

Logan and Kendall still laughed at the memory when they thought about it. It was just like Carlos to tell their daughter to do something like that. Of course, when one of the snotty kids said they didn't like Hayley, she grabbed their hair and hit them twice. To say the least, Jo was fuming when she found out what Carlos had told her.

Logan watched as Carlos let the tears fall down his face. Logan's heart ached to tell Carlos that he was happy, and wanted him to be happy to. Carlos still after all these years hadn't settled down. He was months away from being thirty and was still on the ice as a right wing for the Wild. He had many girlfriends, who used him for his fame and money, but still hadn't found the one.

Logan recalled when one of Carlos' girls had spent almost a quarter of a million dollars in a mere month. Carlos didn't deserve that, and Logan knew that. He knew that Carlos was an amazing guy. It was the same guy who was raising Kendall and Jo's and his daughter. He was the one who made sure that Hayley remembered he and Kendall.

"Logan, you look down. I thought we agreed that today would be a happy day." Kendall said trying to remind him of the deal they had made earlier.

Logan frowned. "I know, its just Carlos doesn't deserve to be hurt and he is. He misses us. I know he does."

"But, we miss him too. We're all hurting."

"Did we miss anything?" Mrs. Knight asked walking into where Kendall and Logan were. Mr. Knight was following her.

"No, it's just about to get started. Carlos is of course running late." Logan said to Mama Knight.

_Carlos ran into the church, knowing that James and Katie were going to kill him. He ran to the room Katie was in. "I'm here!" He said, his helmet in tact, ready for the beating that Katie was sure to give him. _

"_Idiot! Where have been?" Katie yelled at him._

"_I'm sorry, it was traffic." _

_Carlos finally took in the sight in front of him. Katie was in a Vera Wang wedding dress that seemed to have been made for her body. He couldn't help but cry at the sight. He knew that Kendall would have been proud of his sister. "Okay, enough. Let's go. You've kept James waiting the last twenty minutes." _

_The wedding march started and Carlos walked Katie down the aisle. They were met by several gazes of aw and Carlos noticed how Katie blushed the entire time, until the reached the end where James was smiling in a custom tux he had made for this occasion. James smiled at Katie as Carlos gave her hand to him. Carlos joined James at his side, as his best man._

"_Now, Katie and James would like to say their own vows." The preacher said after he had said his part._

_Katie smiled when James started to speak. James was trying to hold back tears. "Katie, I can't even describe the happiness you have brought me over the years. I remember when we went on our first date. I was home on leave and we went out, and it was the greatest night of my life. That was the night I asked you to move to South Carolina with me and I never thought in a million years you would agree to go. We've been through hell together, we've had several test on our relationship but we have made it through the last five years and I really feel like we were meant to be together. I love you so much. I promise to always love and cherish you."_

_Katie had tears pouring out of her eyes when James was finished. She smiled at him and tried to pull herself together. "I remember growing up I thought that you were so conceited and that there was no way I could ever love somebody like you. And now look where we're at. At the alter getting married. You were there for me when I lost my mom and my brother. You were there talking to me every night and singing to me when I couldn't sleep. You became my protector and later on my lover. I will always be grateful for you and I love you so very much, I always will."_

_They wrapped the ceremony up with a gentle kiss. Katie and James were presented as Mr. and Mrs. Diamond and they ran down the aisle together, hand in hand. _

Kendall had tears pouring down his face as he watched this. And as Katie and James ran out of the church to their car, the rain started falling. Logan hit Kendall, knowing that he was causing all this rain. Kendall instantly pulled himself together and the rain stopped.

Kendall looked at Logan, he knew that he couldn't have made it without Logan here with him. If he had to watch this without him he would have broke down. Although Logan missed his friends he was thankful to be back with his true love and soulmate. He knew the others would join them some day but was just thankful to have Kendall back.

He would have Kendall for all eternity and that had been Logan Mitchell had ever wanted.

**The End**

**A/N: I hope you liked it! I don't have time to edit so I hope there aren't too many errors, sorry!**


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